Every night that people across the country go out to have a good ol' drunken time, there is one thing that we all have in common the walk home from a good ol' drunken time. We all know the walk home is exciting and entertaining, but why? The people, of course! Here are a few examples of the people we'll see on our seemingly never-ending journey, and how to read what sort of night they had by how they walk.
The Fighting Freshman: The guy that is alone, mumbling to himself, occasionally yelling profanity and staring at the ground he's probably the guy that got kicked out of the house party. You know that freshman that got a hold of the jungle juice and is amazed that he only had to pay five bucks and got all the beer he can drink. That's him. He's the guy whose friends left for a better party an hour and a half ago, and he's still trying to get the most attractive girl at the party in the sack. Maybe he tried to convince someone to punch him in the face, and maybe that person did. Either way, he'll wake up on his bathroom floor, throw up for a while, tell his friends he got so much ass last night, and try to do it all over again next weekend.
The Drunk Debaters: You know those two guys walking ahead of the pack almost yelling at each other because one thinks that French foreign policy is better than American foreign policy? They've probably been doing the same thing all night. Their other friends had a good time. They probably did what people usually do at parties they drank, they danced, they tried to get laid, and they left. These other two stood off to the side debating about stuff that only seems to make sense when you've killed six cups, and that was their night. For some reason, they want to take their boringness out of the house and onto the streets just to make everyone else walk as fast as they are and try to get everyone else to ignore them from ten feet behind.
Not Quite "Oh My God That Girl Is Amazing" Walking Cell Phone Girl: This is the girl that's walking the opposite way of you with her cell phone to her ear, not actually talking to anyone. Where is she going? Why is she alone? I know no girl that gets all gussied up to go out just so that she can walk down a street, sober as Tuesday morning, with her phone to ear at 2:30 in the morning. This girl is typically a seven out of ten and wearing jeans under a skirt you'll know her when you see here. Honestly, why is she walking alone at this time of night? Just not cool.
"Dude, If I Don't Get Food Now, I Swear To God I Will Kill Someone" Guys: There always seems to be that group of guys, usually rolling three or four deep, that can do nothing but walk with their hands in the shirts and yell about how hungry they are. They would give up a naked Jennifer Walcott for nothing more than a slice or a taco. They will prowl off-campus streets for hours looking for the shortest lines and a coney dog. Once they do find that magical quesadilla, you almost want to tell them to get a room.
Foreign Alumni" or at Least Some Old Foreign Guys: For some reason I always seem to run into two foreign guys not speaking English. Weird.
"Sucks For You Man" Guy: Finally, one of my favorite to see but least favorite to be a part of the dude with the group of girls cramping on his game. They seem to find "awesome" frat parties with no keg and not even beer for sale. The only alcohol in the house is free shots for the ladies and, oh yeah, "it's a dollar fifty for you man." By the time they walk home, he's pissed, they've picked up guys, he's alone because they went off to give hand jobs to the brothers that live in the house, and now he can't just leave them to walk alone with total strangers. Nobody wants to feel obligation when they hit a few parties especially when it's this late and he's this sober. The sad thing is that it'll all happen again next weekend.