Are you totally stoked for you first year at college? We hope you are, because we're about to give you some pretttty, prettttty, important insights into your first week. We've already been there and done that, so we've got your back, bro.
1. Dining hall food is the worst Yeah, the way your school's website described the "gourmet" food from the dining hall made it seem like goddamn Gordon Ramsey himself was in the kitchen. Nope. The only thing screaming G. Ramsey style are your bowels as you sit in the bathroom for two hours trying to remember if you ate shame or humiliation for dinner.
2. Eating alone doesn't make you totally weird No, seriously, eating alone is probably the optimal choice. Sitting next to that one guy you met in your sociology class while you both shovel taco surprises into your mouths in complete silence is weirder than just eating by yourself. Pressure's off man, eat all the taco surprise you want and listen to your iPod. We're not here to judge.
3. You don't have to wear flip flops in the showerListen, the showers are gross. We know. But let's also face the fact that dorms, in general, are the VDs of the architectural world. Flip flops aren't going to protect your feet from whatever goes on inside those shower stalls. It's college, live on the edge. No shoes, full service!
4. You definitely aren't invited to that party Freshman year is tough. You're underage, you can't go to the bars, you don't know many people and you've reinvented yourself into a douche. It's okay, it happens to the best of us. But listen, you're definitely not invited to that house party. It isn't because you're unpopular, it's because you're a freshman, and everyone hates you.
5. Your roommate farts in their sleep Ah, yes, the phantom farter. It's your first week away at school, and after you've cried yourself to almost-sleep because you, like, totally don't fit in at this school and you'll never make any friends, your roommate's body decides to give you another reason you should have gone with a single. Maybe tomorrow night their butt will take song requests.
6. Don't count on going to the gymNo pain, no gain, buddy. And it seems the only pain you're in is a product from last night's frat party. Yeah, yeah, you'll start going to the gym tomorrow, you've had a rough first week at college. There're other people like you, too, like mostly everyone. Embrace it, and your newly emerging beer belly.
7. There's always a couple breaking up somewhere in your dorm And you're an unwilling participant to all of it. Sorry, but you're now right in the middle of a very dull drama called "We Only Slept Together Once, Please Stop Calling Me" starring your roommate and that chick from the third floor.
8. Your first in-college one-night-stand is super awkward Spoiler alert: you guys definitely don't fall asleep intertwined as the distant sound of a babbling stream mixes with the brisk summer air. No, it's more like it's really fucking hot in the room and you're both sweating profusely and pretending to sleep. Also, is someone puking outside the window? Also all of your extremities have fallen asleep. Happy sexing!
9. You're going to switch majors Oh, neuroscience isn't what you expected? We know, it's only the first week and it's like they want you to actually work hard. No way, time to business major the fuck outta this school.
10. You aren't going to hang out with anyone from your orientation You've grown apart since orientation two months ago. They live in a dorm, you live in another dorm that's like, all the way across campus. You're different people, with different class schedules now. It's time to move on and become friends with people in your OWN dorm. Except Steve. Avoid Steve at all costs, he's totally creepy.
11. That fake I.D. doesn't work Yeah, yeah, that sketchy third time senior said these would totally legit, but they aren't. Aside from the fact that you clearly just turned 18, maybe, 888 This Is An Address doesn't sound like a real place, Greg from "Arizona".
12. Your new self proclaimed nickname won't stickOh you're going by "Gregster" now? Hm, nice choice. I'm going to keep calling you Greg, if that's okay.
13. You probably didn't need to buy a brand new MacBookWe know it's a new chapter in your life, and you're ready to buckle down and work. But you just paid 2 grand for Facebook and Microsoft Word. Oh, sometimes you like to remix songs on GarageBand? Congrats, you're already a douchebag, and it's only your first week of college.