The Style Guys are back and this time they're taking it to the canine world. Those puppies sure think they're hot shit, don't they. Well, if they can crap on our lawn then the Style Guys can crap on them. It's the official Style Guy 2005 Puppy Review! Bow Wow What the fuck are you looking at, dog?!
Awwww, are you gonna cry? I thought you were a dog, not a pussy. Your eyes are so dark it's like looking into hell itself. Are they so dark because the light of love cannot escape their evil pull? And what's with those eyebrows? You look like an ugly Eugene Levy. Those motherfuckers are about fourteen inches long; were you planning on braiding them? No? Then cut those goddamned face wings. Look here Mr. Freddy Fucking Frowny Face, either cheer up or you're going straight back to the pound where you can join your brothers and sisters on doggy death row, you miserable shit.
"I'm a little puppy head. Why don't you love me?" The only thing you're going to be RETRIEVING, mr. LABRADOR, is a grade A beat down. I will punch your face so hard that your beige little soft features will run red with the blood of your eye sockets. Lookin' real sad are we? When I'm done you won't even remember what sad is, and you'll need to eat you're kibbles and bits through a fucking doggy straw. Woof, Woof, mother fucker. What's up now?
Streeter: Quick, someone call an ambulance! This dog's face has been hit by a truck" the UGLY truck! Your parents must have led very sinful lives because that is the only way God would ever punish you with such a flat, pancake face. Your mouth and nose look like a horse's asshole and you're the proud owner of the ugliest pair of retarded frog eyes I've ever seen. And those ears; were you planning on going hang gliding later? Oh, by all means, don't let me stop you; I just hope you and your ugly ass comes crashing back to earth with a thud. Who knows, maybe the fall will knock some decency into that sloppy mess you call a face.
I'm sorry, is that a maze? Or is that labyrinthine fuzzy-ass route on your head an ACTUAL face? I swear to God, you can tattoo "Start" on one eye, and "Finish" on the other, slap your ass on a kids menu, and nobody would even notice the fucking difference. If you rearrange the letters in "Pug" it doesn't spell "Ugly" but it's pretty damn close. You can't invent coincidences like that. What's up now?
Look at this asshole, too scared to even look us in the eye. It's ok little guy, you don't have anything to be afraid of" well, except the fact that you're only going to live another ten years or so, of course. You're so skittish and stressed out you're already going grey. You're stooped over like you've been doing back breaking labor your whole life but what have you really been up to? Oh, I know: sitting around the house, shitting wherever you want and chewing things that don't belong to you. I would hit you with a newspaper, but you look like your weak little legs would snap right in half if I did that. Instead I'll just let you go on knowing that your frail heart and weak hip bones will keep your wretched life clumsily balanced on the thin rope of mortality.
Interesting fact about beagles that I've ascertained through this photograph: They don't sleep for their first 3 years after birth. This little furry ball of depression looks like he's been forced to walk on those rolled up sleeves he calls legs for 30 days in a row without a break. What do you have to worry about little puppy? Not enough chew toys in the hamper today? Try getting a real job. Try supporting a wife, three kids, and the fucking ugly puppy they wanted to adopt. Then you'll at least have a reason for looking so god-damned exausted. What's up now?
Hey dog, I don't know if you got the memo, but you're Not a lion. You think because you have a little golden mane that you're the king of the castle but you're not; you're an ugly little nobody. You're beady little eyes can mean only one thing: mischief. I wouldn't trust you guarding the garbage, let alone the house and I'd be a dead man before I let you come inside after a rain storm. I bet you stink worse than a dead elephant that's been rotting in humid jungle undergrowth. Your fur is all full of shit and twigs and you probably have about fifty ticks embedded in your flaky skin. Bet you don't feel so big now, do you?
Oh god, here come the tears from Mr. Faucets. If I wanted to see water works I'd play monopoly thank you. Pay owner four time amount shown on dice? Gladly! I'd rather do that than look at Cottonball over here shed one more fucking tear. In fact, I'll advance my token to boardwalk and jump into the damn river if it means not having to look at Saddy McGee for another nanosecond. And the worst part is, you know those tears are gonna accumulate around those coal nugget eyes of yours and congeal into shitty ass doggy eye boogers that are thicker than tar, stickier than honey, and less appealing than Josef Stalin in a wet t-shirt contest. What's up now?
You look like the canine equivalent to a homeless person; begging on the street like a worthless vagabond. You think people will be swayed by your I'm-so-sad-and-hungry routine? Think again, shitface. We're not buying that shtick anymore. Feel bad for me, feel bad for me" not a chance, you sorry sack of shit. Oh, and by the way, you might want to tell your ears to stop growing until your ugly little body can catch up. If they keep going at that rate they'll be fifty feet long in twenty years" Oh, that's right, you're not going to live that long. I guess now you do have something to feel bad for yourself about.
You better drop to your stumpy ass knees and thank the good Lord you share a name with the beautiful Oscar Nominated actress Angela Bassett, because that is the only thing you have going for you right now. Is that understood? According to IMDB.com, Angela Bassett is captivating, gifted, sensational, and smart four things you are NOT. Ever seen "How Stella Got Her Grove Back?" of course you didn't. You're a puppy, and lack the cranial capacity to understand human intellect, emotion, and most of all the subtle acting displayed by Ms. Bassett in her Golden Globe Nominated role as Stella Payne! What's up now?
Look at fat bags over here! You're like Liv Tyler's fat sister; bringing shame to your family every minute you're alive. Do mankind a favor and volunteer yourself to a coat manufacturer. You look comfy. If you insist on not being worn, then at least get off your roly-poly ass and do some laps. I mean, Jesus, you have fat on your eyebrows! That is some Don Vito shit right there. How does that paw taste, asshole? Good? Look at you, you can't stop eating for a second, can you. You're like a fat stripper working the day shift that people only tip because they feel bad" except with you they just want to make a coat out of your skin.
Sweet merciful Christ, just when you think you've seen it all. In walks Charlene the Shar Pei with enough skin to fit a dog 5 times her size. Were you a rhino with down syndrome that stumbled into a faulty shrinking machine that was only capable of shrinking everything but your flesh? Because that's exactly what it looks like, Flabbie LaRue. If looks could kill you would be a flower, you fucking fat, shitty, piece of dog shit. I just wanna" ugh!!! Set you on fire or something. God damn it I wish that were still legal. What's up now?
Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Why don't you go back to dingy alley where your mother crapped out you and the rest of your inbred family and never show your face again. You think anyone is taking you home from the pound? Get in line for the shot, shithead, you're about to meet your grandparents" all seventeen of them.
All dog's go to heaven? Don't think so, your honor. Case closed. What's up now?
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