So you're back at school after a pretty cool break. You went to house parties, ate home cooked meals, and if you're anything like me – hooked up with girls that used to be pretty in high school. Don't feel bad, I've come up with a way to justify these kinds of sexual liaisons. Let me talk to you about "High Fiving Your Past Self."

I'll set up a scenario for you. You're drinking a Corona, just kidding, Bud-Light, gotcha again, Natty-Ice, and some girl walks over to you. You kinda recognize her but you aren't sure. "You used to be in my Chemistry class didn't you?" Her hair is the same color, her eyes haven't changed, but she's added about 25 pounds to her frame. For some reason she refuses to accept this and continues to wear her old clothes like they still fit. The top button on her jeans is long gone. "Oh yeah," you say, "for sheezy." (Why would you say "for sheezy", asshole? Very un-cool.) You've got a good buzz going and you know you could mack it with this girl, let's just call her Lauren Gonzalez, but you're not sure how you can hook up with her and not want to kill yourself.

Imagine the 10th grade version of you. You spent 45 minutes each day ignoring your teacher and staring at the seat of Lauren's jeans, waiting for the fabric on her thong to creep up her back. Now imagine walking into that Chemistry class and talking to the 10th grade version of you. "Hey man, I'm you in the future." You explain, "And in 3 years, you're going to have sex with her." You point at Lauren. The past you raises his hand in the air, demanding a high five.

The you in 10th grade doesn't need to know that the future Lauren Gonzalez is a wildebeest. Minor details. All he knows is that Lauren is hot now, and he's gonna fuck her in 3 years. What an accomplishment. It's a glorious high five.

High fiving your past self isn't limited to getting with ugly girls that used to be hot. Anything that would impress you in the past warrants a high five. It's easy to do. Like, "Hey 9th grade version of me, in the future you're going to drink 23 beers and not puke!" High Five He doesn't have to know you got your stomach pumped. Maybe you'll try, "Hey 7th grade me, don't worry that thing is gonna get bigger, and your pubes will grow too!" No point in telling him it only grows two inches, and sure you got pubes, but Lauren Gonzalez gave you Genital Herpes.

So go out there and high five your past selves. Find that girl that was hot the first week of school before she lost her tan, dyed her hair, and had to get her leg amputated after a car accident. The past you would be proud, as long as you remember to leave out the little things about what the future holds. Your past self is an eager mind with a hand held high in the air, and much like Lauren Gonzalez's enormous ass, it needs to be slapped.