Sick of getting laid on the first night? Tired of women falling at your feet, begging for you to pound their uterus? Every girl comes home from a party thinking about that one super sketchy guy; that guy that she and her friends will talk about at lunch the next day, and laugh because he totally had oh my god like no chance. Will they talk about the guy they actually did like but never got a chance to talk to? No, they'll forget about him. But you, young tiger, you will be referred to for weeks, maybe even months to come.
1. Find one girl and don't leave her alone. Ask her friends where she's from, what's her major, what hair products she uses, and what her ring size is. Girls love giving out information about their friends, because they can see true love a lot clearer than the object of the affection can.
2. Get two drinks from the bar. Only when she's watching, slip something into one of them (a tic tac will do) and smile to yourself. Bring them over, and play the "which glass was it?" game. Girls love that. If she asks, "what did you put in my drink?" calmly answer a tic-tac. When she calls you a liar, accuse her of just trying to get you to sleep with her and ignoring your feelings.
3. Unbutton your striped button down, and use the flaps as wings to draw her into your chest. She'll be so overpowered by your natural, potent musk that she'll yell something akin to "oh my god!" Girls have a keen sense of smell, as the Axe commercials prove, so be sure to wipe yourself down with something rough and tumble, like smelling salts.
4. Tell her you're a virgin, technically. When she asks, what "technically" implies, shake your head and say that you hate zoos.
5. Whisper Venga Boys lyrics in her ear. The magic that "boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room" said in a deep, sincere voice can do is immeasurable. Be sure to show her how well you can do the rave dance to your own beatbox. Girls love a multi-tasker. Also be sure to point out how much you love DDR; the test of a really good dancer is how well they can step in all four directions to a beat.
6. Cut out pictures of little kids playing with toys from Toys-R-Us magazines, and assert that someday you want to own them. The children, not the toys. You're family oriented! If she's offended, ask her why she hates children so much.
7. Don't let her say anything about herself. When you ask a question, let her get part of a statement out and try to finish the sentence. Then, when she corrects you, make her feel like she was in the wrong.
"So, are you into any extracurriculars?"
"Well, I really like working with "
"Disabled youths? Me too, oh my god This one summer I totally worked at a camp for handicapped kids!"
"I..was gonna say the multi-cultural center, actually.."
"That's what I said, I worked with multi-cultural handicapped kids."
8. Refer everything to your livejournal. Now, the first rule of LJ is you do not talk about LJ, but since you're such a stud you can totally break the rules. Bring up that you're totally going to write about her in your next entry, and she should look for it. This will show your sensitive side, along with your belief that everyone cares about what you do and think about things. Be sure to include the fact that the pictures you just took of her face will look great with the porn body you picked out.
9. Make really weird faces when talking to her. Grimace wildly when she says what her name is; do the Zoolander face when she tells you her major; pretend to vomit a little in your mouth when she says where she's from. You're an animated gentleman who wears his heart on his sleeve, and his emotions on his face.
10. Name drop. Angelina's pregnant? Yeah you knew the morning after. Lindsay's totally going through a lot right now you helped her write that song to her dad. Zach Braff is writing a new movie based on this one crazy night you guys had together in the middle of no where. Lance Bass is coming over to your house for a weekend or two, just so you guys can catch up again.
If this doesn't set you apart from the other gentleman as a "real winner," I don't know what could.