I was thinking lately that I don't do a lot for the ladies. I never give strippers actual American currency and I have failed to ever give a woman a legitimate orgasm. Also, most of my articles are advice for the dudely, which is why I'm doing the female population a huge favor and helping them tackle the age old question of "How to Avoid the Walk of Shame"
First, try not being slutty. Not gonna happen? Figures. Ok here are a few more options.
Pretend You're Jogging: Alright, skank, here's what you do. Before you leave your shameful mate's dorm, splash a bunch of water from the water fountain on your chest and face, this will look like sweat. Now, tie a sweater or jacket around your waist. This is ideal if you're coming back from one of those totally cliché 80's parties and you're all in spandex and headbands and whatever. If you wore high heels out instead of sneakers" well you're fucked, literally and figuratively, but check out these other options.
Take the Walk of FAME: This one is easy. You see, the walk of shame is only shameful if you act like it's getting to you, walking with your head down and what-not. Instead, just hold your head up high, throw on some sweet shades and walk back to your dorm high-fiving everyone you see. "Hell yea
Check out this tramp.
Ride a Bike: This is the recommended method for women who frequently take the walk of shame. Go buy a bicycle and store it in a location that is convenient to most frat houses or wherever you crazy gals like to get it on. This way, in the morning you can just run out real quick and hop on your bike. No one ever thinks about some girl riding a bike across campus, "Shit, man, that chick got BANGED last night!" More often than not us guys actually think, "Wow, dude, that bitch is never going to get banged in her life!" Because bikes are pretty un-cool, ya know? But what's worse, being lame, or being labeled as an STD ridden, free prostitute?
Just Don't Leave the Guy's Room: The walk of shame can't happen if you never walk back to your dorm, right? Right. Just fuckin' stay there all day. He's gonna be all weirded out, but whatever, you don't need the whole student body thinking you're some kind of hooker. It's better that this kid, who by the way, is getting less and less attractive as the bright afternoon sun rises, thinks you're psycho. Eventually it's going to go from kind of awkward to un-bearringly uncomfortable, luckily this "zero hour" usually comes around 1:00 PM and you can pretend you're going to the dining hall and not back to your room after a long night of, "Shh, shh, my roommate is gonna wake up."
Alright, that's it, my female friendly article. I hope you enjoyed it. It's the end of senseless objectification of women, and I, for one, am glad that things like the walk of shame are behind us. Not only is it immature and senseless, but it's hurtful and degrading. Ok, girls, stop reading here.
Pssssssst, Guys, I hope you read this too, now you know all the new tricks these hoes have up their dirty, dirty sleeves. So if you see some girl in a bright yellow 80's ensemble jogging across campus, or a disheveled girl on a bicycle you'll know to hoot and holler like a nine year old kid at a kick-ball game. The Walk Lives!