It came to my attention after last week's article that the average College Humor reader""or the average male friend who was forced to read my first column on pain of death""is celebrity illiterate.
I understand that not everyone needs an IV of VH1 to make it through the day, but I was shocked and saddened to learn how many people have never even heard of Hilary Duff or Sienna Miller. The fact that Kristin Cavalleri is not a household name verges on scandal. I will not be deterred, however; like a prophet from the mount, I am determined to spread the good word to those in need. God may be dead, my friends, but celebrities are not.
To remedy the situation, I would like to take some time for a basic Who's Who in the gossip world, glossing the crucial names and events for your future reference. This may be repetitive for some of you, but I ask you to be patient and play along. We're sitting at the welcome table, and we need to make room for everyone. So:
Celebrities You Should Know, and Why
Angelina Jolie : There is a hierarchy in the world of famous people, and Angelina is on top of it, alone, sitting on a throne reserved for women so blindingly attractive that heterosexual women everywhere would immediately change teams for a chance to count her tattoos. She also works as a goodwill ambassador for the U.N., adopts children from poor places, and may have had something to do with the break-up of Brad and Jen.
Brad Pitt: Dumped Jen for Angie, creating "Brangelina." Very hot but otherwise expendable.
Jennifer Aniston: The triumph of mediocrity, "Jen" represents what a large-nosed person can achieve with a good trainer, a good stylist, a good make-up artist, and good PR. She starred on Friends for a while , which I'll admit I watched, but only with the proviso that I was in middle school and didn't know better. Now that Brad Pitt has dumped her for Angelina, Jennifer is riding an obscenely large and irrational wave of public sympathy while conspicuously fucking Vince Vaughn to prove she's "ok."
Jessica Simpson: Jessica tried to be a singer for a long time, but she sang really cheesy crap that no one liked, so she married Nick Lachey and let MTV follow her around for the reality show Newlyweds. Now that their marriage has earned them enough money, Nick and Jessica are in the process of a divorce. Jessica will likely get screwed in the settlement because she cheated on Nick with Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine, but she deserves it, because she slept with a member of Maroon 5. Fun fact: Jessica was a virgin until marriage. Funner fact: Jessica believes that anal penetration fits within the definition of "virgin."
Nick Lachey: Jessica Simpson's hop-along husband. Former boyband member. Useless.
Kristin Cavalleri: Kristin clawed her way to fame as an unadulterated bitch on MTV's hit reality series Laguna Beach. She is famous for absolutely no other reason than being herself.
Britney Spears: Britney Spears is the voice of a generation (specifically, mine), and while she's fallen on some hard times, I think we all need to pause for a moment and reflect on the music, the fashion, and the inspiration that Britney has brought into our lives. [pause] These days, Britney goes to the bathroom with bare feet, drives a minivan with her infant son sitting in her lap, and caters to the needs of her trashy back-up dancer husband (name: Kevin Federline). She is not pregnant. She just looks like it.
Katie Holmes (of TomKat) : Katie Holmes used to be Joey Potter, the extremely neurotic and squinty eyed heroine of Dawson's Creek. Now she is a mute pawn in Tom Cruise's game to prove once and for all that he is a) straight b) sane c) of a real man's stature. Katie is slated to give birth to Tom's extraterrestrial freak child any day now.
Tom Cruise (also of TomKat) : Mutant. Crazy. Scientologist. Gay.
Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay can't go a week without accidentally exposing herself or being photographed in the presence of drugs. She acts, I think, but for the most part she is devoted to blow, throwing herself at much-older men, and calling Scarlett Johannson a cunt via bathroom graffiti.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie: Two for the price of one! Heiresses extraordinaire, Paris and Nicole starred on The Simple Life together. Then Nicole went rexi, Paris got insecure, and the World's Greatest Catfight began. Also, Paris made that sex tape once. Just in case you actually do live under a rock.
Sienna Miller: London's fashion icon, Sienna pioneered "boho-chic," which is why all those girls you know are wearing flowy skits and ugly boots.
Jude Law cheated on her with his nanny, which was a really fucking stupid move, because the nanny wasn't very cute, and Sienna is perfect.
Hilary Duff: Once the perky star of Disney's Lizzie Maguire, Hilary has blossomed into a delightful and talented young woman responsible for the Laguna Beach theme song "Come Clean." I want to be her friend. In case you know her and can make that happen.
I could go on, but now that our variables are defined, you all should be ready to brave the wilds of mainstream gossip. We'll take you out for a spin next week and see how you do""the TomKat beast should be loose by then, and there will be plenty to discuss. Until then, study hard, and let me know if you find a picture of Lindsay's left nipple. It's the only body part we're missing.