The following is an excerpt from our new book "The CollegeHumor Guide to College." The book is now available in every bookstore as well as on Amazon.com. You're probably never going to make the NBA. You're probably never going to be an astronaut. You're probably never going to win a Skittles-eating contest at the state fair (those things have gotten so commercial anyway). However, with God as my witness, I am here to tell you that you can hook up with almost any girl you choose. You have a secret weapon in your arsenal, and you can use it to ensnare any young lady you'd like. What is this magic bullet, you ask?
Asking girls out on dates. Its success rates are so high that it's like a legal, consensual rape. I don't know why it works. I think it could have something to do with girls being impressed that you have the self-confidence/balls to approach them while potentially setting yourself up for rejection. Here's the thing, though: you won't get rejected. Unless a girl has a boyfriend, she will never, ever, ever say no. You've put yourself out there, and she's duly impressed. Even if she's a complete bitch, she will say yes 98% of the time. Any girl who reject you in this setting is obviously a blackhearted slut who doesn't warrant a second thought. Way to pick a shitty crush, dude. Your mom was right; you're a terrible judge of character. Another reason why asking girls out on dates is so effective is that most girls have never been asked on a date. It sounds ridiculous, but pay attention. Every other guy at your school's preferred method of meeting girls is getting drunk at parties and hooking up with them. After six or seven bouts of nakedness and maybe one trip to Wendy's, he and his special girl are a couple without ever having gone on a date. Every girl wants to go on a date, though, and you look like some kind of knight dressed in white satin as you gallantly offer to buy her dinner. She will say "yes," and now you've just got to worry about the date itself. Honestly, you really have to try pretty hard to screw up this situation. Just tailor the date to your specific strengths. If you can't dance, steer clear of clubs or entering back-alley dance-offs. If you sweat a lot like I do, you should try your hand at a meat-locker date. Just lock the door, look her deeply in the eyes and say, "Any of these sides of beef can be yours, angel." Furthermore, anything involving a chain restaurant will probably ensure that the only moist thing your fingers get into is the sour cream on your Chili's quesadilla. Movies are also a bad choice due to their lack of conversational opportunities and increasing reliance on Vin Diesel in leading roles. Ideally, you should go to dinner somewhere quiet and quirky, and when you get there, the most important thing to remember is to never talk about yourself. No matter how egomaniacal you are, do not mention yourself, even in passing. If she says something like, "Isn't your hair on fire?" Respond coolly with, "Eh, I don't really like to talk about myself. Say, what's your favorite book? You can do a top-five if it's too hard to choose." Keep asking her questions about herself. Even when you don't care. I once spent an entire date listening to an impassioned monologue about the Power Puff Girls. I got bored, but I also got a handjob. Sure, a handjob is no big prize, but you have to scale down your expectations when you ask out a ninth grader. Not talking about yourself may be the most clutch part of the whole date-asking-out theory. You've proven that you're secure and self-confident by having the gumption to ask her out, but you've shown you're not self-obsessed and cocky by asking her lots of questions about herself. You've given her a reason to brag to her friends about going on a date. She will be off her guard, because she's not used to this weird situation, you'll have drinks with dinner, and then you'll retire to one of your places and make strange acquaintance love that usually involves someone saying, "I barely know you
you're clean, right?" Still don't believe me? In college, I had tragic sideburns and glasses that would fog up whenever I sweated. I didn't watch very much TV, so I had absolutely no pop-culture chitchat ready for these dates. I would just ask girls out in random places, like class or in line at Target, and they would invariably say yes. On the dates, I would mostly eat, make a huge mess out of my food because I'm a slob, and ask girls questions about their childhoods and their interests. Once you go out on two of these dates, you'll realize that the respective answers to those questions are, "My dad and I don't really get along," and "I'm just really artsy." Then I'd end up naked in my bed saying, "No, I don't mind if you sleep here, but I get up really early. Yeah, maybe you're right. I'll get your coat." There is only one context in which asking girls out on dates won't work. If you are a douchebag, you should just try to hook up with girls at parties and hope to stumble into a relationship that way. How can you tell if this douchebag is you? Do you have an armband tattoo? Did you wear flip-flops to the last funeral you attended because you "gotta keep it stylin'?" If so, don't ask girls out on dates. You can't get away with it. If, however, you're a normal guy who can listen and not use the word "fingerblast" on the date itself, you will definitely get to third base.If you thought this was a solid tip, there are about 350 other well sculpted, hilarious pages in the rest of "The CollegeHumor Guide to College." (Now 34% off at Amazon.com. Not bad!)