Joe Bidens VP Debate Checklist - Image 1

There's a lot of pressure on ol' Uncle Joe tonight. And with the future of the country (sort of) on his shoulders, the fella's gotta stay on track.

- Breathe, smile, and just do what you've been practicing. You've gotten some great advice over these past few days and you need to STICK TO IT. Ya got this, champ.

- Right off the bat – make jokes, lots of jokes. People are SO wound up and worried about being OFFENDED these days, my GOSH, so just loosen the place UP for Pete's sake. The one about the Indian and the Rabbi in the hot air balloon is a good start. Gotta get the crowd on your side from the beginning.

- Make sure you look Ryan dead in the eyes with those mean Wilmington peepers and rattle that Midwestern wimp to his core. Don't be afraid to scare the living bejeezus out of that pretty boy chump. With Mean, Lean Joe Biden looking across the table at him, he'll crumple like paper. That Delaware grit ain't there for nothin', I'll tell ya that much.

- Be clear, calm, and precise with figures and statistics. Don't get overexcited and start jumpin' up and prancin' around like some sort of San Francisco Ballerina man – my gosh, can you imagine – so just cool it, alright?

- Don't hold back on calling Rep. Ryan out when he twists the facts (or saying he looks like a weasel with some constipation issues – jeez Louise, Joe, will ya calm down already, save these gems for the STAGE, c'mon man!)

- Innuendoes are a winner – make 'em when you can – but do NOT refer to anyone's "knockers," even in jest (this is SERIOUS, Joe, you've been warned and don't forget it)

- Don't quote that funny "Here Comes the Boom" trailer, as tempting as it may be (Kevin James, what a talent, lord in heaven)

- Stay on topic and answer questions directly – no need to give out your uncle's famous cajun gumbo recipe again (although, I'm tellin' ya, the thing's out of this world, it really is, but it'll set off some fireworks in your insides if you catch my drift – I was camped out on the john for a good two hours last time, I wish I were kiddin')

- Don't be afraid to flirt with moderator Martha Raddatz a little bit – a little fun never hurt anybody and she digs ya, who are you kiddin' (but make sure Jill ain't lookin', uh oh, who said that?).

- Oh, just say the knockers thing, why not. Have fun out there.