WaMu (or Washington Mutual to people who don't snowboard or whatever demographic they are reaching for) has done something truly creepy with their ATMs: Switched everything to first person.

"Hey there! Swipe your card in me to begin. Great job! Now tell me your secret code!"

If you need an ATM to talk to you like a buddy and reminded that you PIN is supposed to be a secret in order to complete an ATM transaction, go ahead and stop making your own financial decisions. Then kill yourself. Secret code? Are we whispering it into a coffee can on a string?

Other messages coming soon to WaMu ATMS:

"Gosh sorry buddy I'm going to have to charge you like 2 bucks to use this ATM. It's not me, my boss is being a dick."

"Oh man it looks like you don't have any money in your account. Because I care about you I'm gonna go ahead and take 15 dollars from you for trying to take money that wasn't there. Buds?"


Yo, I know you need cash, but
have you seen my keys? I can't
find them anywhere.
"Would you like me to give you a receipt? No? Okay it's cool. (pause) Man I need to get laid"

"Bro all I'm saying is my DVD of Stripes was in my room before you came over and now it isn't. Oh you want to know your balance? It's whatever you already had plus my DVD. Prick."

"Sorry about that shit with the DVD yesterday. My roommate just had it. He's a douche bag. I'll make up for it by giving you those faggy new pink ten-dollar bills you like so much. Ha ha! Burned!"

"Did you see Lost last night? Friggin blew my mind. Oh by the way you have like negative 12 hundred dollars. You really need to get your shit together. Oh actually I'm sorry negative twelve hundred and fifteen dollars. Hey man, don't shoot the messenger. Or the guy shooting at you. But seriously, how come that Hurly guy is still fat if they are stuck on an island?"

"300 bucks at 4 AM again? We need to talk."

"Dude, I totally borrowed like fifty dollars. I'll get it back to you though. How do you think I feel? I don't like owing money to friends. I want you to get your money just as much as you bro. Dude we'll go to Outback on Wednesday and use my dad's credit card okay? Don't be lame about this."

"That crowbar tickles!"

"I can dispense any amount you request, except for the greatest withdrawal of all: love"


Mike Trainor is a nationally touring comic who can be heard each week on Sirius Satellite Radio's Four
Quotas
. Check him out at www.giantcomedy.com