"Does anyone else need a beer?"Baseball is a beautiful game that is best enjoyed while you're relaxing. A few brews will help you loosen up, get a conversation going, and possibly even find the pitcher more attractive. Beer commercials go fist-on-extended-for-a-bump-fist with baseball, so showing an interest in it will make the people you're watching it with think you've been brainwashed over the years too.
"That guy's a bum."Nothing is more fun than referring to a millionaire as a bum. If the people you're watching with seem angry, there's your chance to find out. If it's not an actual player they're mad at, don't worry, it's probably an idiot announcer who's raking it in or some fan who interfered with play. They might not be a millionaire per se, but if they can afford to go to a baseball game in person, they're on their way there.
"How 'bout some cheese?"In a baseball sense, "cheese" means "fastball." Every pitcher throws a fastball and most throw it a lot. It's not always the right call, but more often than not, it will be the one the catcher makes. If your knowledge of the sport is so limited that you don't know what a pitch, pitcher, or catcher is, this can serve as a great party direction.
"Nice."Chances are if something happenedand you can tell if something happened by whether or not someone even ever so slightly hesitated before continuing to fill their mouth with food, drink, or feigned interest in youit was nice. Even if the turn of events didn't help the team you're pretending to support, it was probably impressive. Look at how small that ball is and how fast it's going. At the very least, that goatee didn't trim itself.
" 'Attaboy."If something happened and you know it was beneficial to your squad, this will let others know you're in on the fact that something good happened, even if you're not exactly sure what that good thing was. It's pretty much the baseball equivalent of nodding when you have to taste the wine before the waiter stops being a NARC and pours you a real glass on a date.
"C'mon, blue."Any real baseball fan refers to an umpire as "blue." Any real baseball fan also takes umbrage with how umpires do their job. Especially when they're wrong.
"That's baseball for you."Say this whenever something you don't understand happens. It's one of those things that makes it seem like you understand the situation and is technically always true. Unless, of course, it's an ad for an erectile dysfunction medicationthen it's a football going through that tire swing.
"Oh, I'm a [any team that isn't the Yankees] fan."If anyone asks you what team you like, it's because they don't think you're a supporter of either team playing. You should be able to get away with saying any team you can think of as long as it isn't the Yankees if you modify it by making it clear that you're a casual faneven if that's an oxymoron (this is something you can discuss during the awkward silence that fills the room when that Levitra commercial comes back on, and it will). Why not the Yankees? People hate the Yankees. If you're going to draw people's ire, you should at least be getting something out of it (same goes for politics).
"Nothing."Baseball is a thinking man's game. Thinking men think. Contrary to what you've heard Uncle Merle do when he's figuring out what to order at Sizzler, it's not always something that has to be done out loud.
"Isn't 'Freaks and Geeks' on Netflix?"It is. Socializing is for people with bad WiFi. For an additional touch, tell everyone you're "outta here."
Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr, and an ego trip.