Many people say that college kids are invincible. This is, in fact, true. College kids can eat anything, can drink alcohol well past toxic levels and barely need to sleep at all. They can make it across campus in seconds when running late for a test. They can hear the clink of their roommate's key in the door even over the loud grunts and moans of the porno they are jacking it to. They can become violently ill at a party and regenerate themselves in minutes with the help of a finger down the throat and an understanding host. In a way, college students are superheroes.
Mission: Secure the keg line, serve the women first and always fill the beer pong pitcher before all else.
Powers: Superhuman pumping arm; a keen eye for line cutters and freshmen; super-alertness to beer levels within the keg; destroyer of foam.
Weakness: Canned beer or hard alcohol in any form renders his powers essentially useless.
Nemesis: Commander Kicked Keg, who shouts aloud to the party that the keg has been kicked, convincing everyone to leave the party.
Love Interest: His only love is serving those in line" and that hot sophomore who keeps cutting the line.
Mission: To identify, intercept and destroy any chance you have of hooking up with her friend.
Powers: Infallible ability to hear you say "go home" "watch a movie" or " wanna get out of here" during a conversation with her friend; superhuman powers of persuasion when convincing her friends that you're an "asshole who'll never call"; telekinetic ability to transfer her standards to her friends' decisions; super-heightened delusional sense that she knows what is best for everyone.
Weakness: Sober friends. If her friends are sober enough to make a rational decision about going home with you her powers are totally, and rightfully, useless.
Nemesis: Anything with a dick, anything that thinks for itself.
Love Interest: Herself.
Mission: Keep the hall safe, identify the ruffians and fine at will.
Powers: Ability to smell pot from any spot within the dorm building; magical set of keys which can open any room on the hall; genius-like capacity for memorizing rules and fine amounts; adept at threatening to "'write you up' for any number of infractions.
Weakness: His own self image. If a resident points out that the Assistanator is 22, single and living in a dorm with a bunch of guys who hate him, his powers melt away to crippling despression.
Nemesis: Graduation. Without his stable of unwilling whipping boys The Resident Assistanator is just a guy named Greg with a BA in communications and $50,000 in student loans to pay off.
Love Interest: Law, order and your girlfriend" which is why he's such a dick to you, by the way.
Mission: To proclaim the joys of living in non-university housing, to throw the best parties and to worry about not getting his security deposit back.
Powers: Immunity to any and all University rules and regulations; superhuman strength when breaking into his own house because he forgot his keys; Sphere of Privilege surrounding party porch in back of the house.
Weakness: Elderly Neighbors. One call to the city and the Off-Campus Man's ability to throw massive keggers becomes neutralized.
Nemesis: The Landlord: The only entity able to destroy his party fortress.
Love Interest: Local Lady. She isn't a student, she isn't his age and she works at a bar, but since they both live in the same neighborhood, ya know"
Mission: To sleep with every man she sees, to convince herself she is "open minded" instead of a "slut" and to dance seductively no matter what song is being played.
Powers: STD resistance force field surrounding her genitals; shape shifting like ability to look good in any style of clothing; ability to morph into normal person during weekdays and class.
Weakness: Religion. Raised Catholic, any moment of clarity about her sinful ways has the ability to guilt her into a chaste lifestyle.
Nemesis: None, she is adored by all. Well, all men at least.
Love Interest: Love? Not till after college. Now, who wants to see some titty?
Mission: Destroy! Destroy all furniture, electronics, carpeting and plant life in the party house! Destroy!
Powers: Mega-urine which cannot be removed from any fabric; super-strength when throwing your belongings out of a window; superhuman tolerance for tequila; Unlimited pocket capacity perfect for stealing your DVDs; ultra-fast powers of excuse when being questioned about breaking the coffee table after dropping the TV on it.
Weakness: None are known
Nemesis: The Party Patrol. They are the only ones strong enough to stand up to Dr. Destruction. This gang of football players is always there to implore Dr. Destruction to "put the dishes down, stomp out that fire and leave before we fuck you up."
Love Interest: His only love is total demolition.
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