From: The Grand War Council of the Army of HumanityTo: All the Kingdoms of Animalia still at War with Humanity

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Animals, we, the human race, beseech you: end this needless war! For billions of years we have battled for supremacy and the time has come for one victor to reign supreme. That species is mankind. It is as clear as the cities we build, the industry we create, and the enemies we have sent to the annals of history, never to return again: the hapless dodo, the fearsome saber tooth, the monstrous wooly mammoth. All have fallen to the mighty war machine that is humanity. We once feared many of you. We were weak, scared and naked, scampering on open savannah, a few thousand souls away from extinction ourselves. But we have grown stronger, smarter, more cunning, and we no longer fear any enemy. The time has come to surrender.

Do you not crave peace in our world? Do you not wish to see your offspring grow old without fear of a human hunter? Do you yourself not wish to live a long, full life? Then you must surrender to humanity at once. Retract your claws, sheath your stingers, hide your teeth and declare yourself a prisoner of war.

Follow the example of the Canine Army, once one of the most feared creatures stalking the surface of the earth. When in times past they were known as the Wolves, they struck fear into all they encountered. They were smart hunters, able to bring down enemies many times their own size and strength. But they were also smart warriors and knew well when they had been bested by an opponent. And so they surrendered to humanity and have now become our prisoners of war.

Ask the Canine how goes his imprisonment! Ask the Canine if he is fed and sheltered! Ask the Canine if he is loved! Some of our Canine prisoners are even clothed in the manner of their captors. When they are ill, our finest doctors attend to them and when one is lost to old age or accident, they are mourned and memorialized as if they were a fellow human. When one's life is cut short by the hand of a vengeful human, that human is himself imprisoned, for we abide by the rules of the Geneva Convention and such treatment of prisoners of war is not tolerated. No such protections extend to your race unless you have already been so decimated by our forces that we only allow you to exist so that we may study you and hunt you for certain periods of the year.

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Yes, certain measures will be taken to ensure that you do not strike at your guards in prison. You may be forced to wear a restraint, such as a collar and leash, and may be temporarily housed in a cage. Prisoners who do not agree to cease aggression against their captors will be put down. Escaped prisoners will be hunted down and re-captured, a price put on their head if necessary. But these small concessions are much less painful than continuing to fight a war that has already been won by the glorious armies of humanity.

You may have heard horror stories about us. Tales of "stockyards" where prisoners are kept, awaiting death and our stomachs. These stories have been largely exaggerated. While we will admit to such practices, even there you would be treated kinder than you would in the wild. For instance, some lucky ducks are stuffed with food until they can longer fit any more in their bodies! Now, would you call that cruel? Being so well fed that your delicious liver is about to burst? I think not.

So put your warring ways aside and join us in our victory. Reap the benefits of that which humanity has sown! Surrender at once and live with us in peace. Look to the canine, to the horse and the cat. Look to the parakeet, the camel and the donkey. Are they not better off than your species?

You may choose to fight on. Many of your ranks – the sharks, the bears, the snakes – continue to harass agents of mankind with gruesome guerrilla tactics: killing one or two of our soldiers at a time, striking fear into small populations. As noble as their actions may seem, remember this: there are almost 7 billion warriors in humanity's army. We are impossible to defeat with such tactics. The bears, the sharks, the snakes, they will be defeated if they continue to fight. It is only a matter of time. Surrender is the only way to ensure that your species retains a place in the great battlefield of earth.

Those armies reading this and still resolved to fight, heed this final warning. The scientists among our species have uncovered a still greater threat than any one of our armies could pose to any other. Warriors of a different sort, a clandestine group of assassins that have been plaguing all of us since time immortal. They are the warriors of the army Bacteria. Where the strongest among the armies of Animalia may count billions, their smallest armies may count trillions. Only humanity has discovered their weaknesses and only humanity can protect your species.

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Surrender now and join the fight against Bacteria or face this relentless foe alone. The choice is yours.

- Humanity




Stock photos from shutterstock.com