I believe my 3.6 GPA, Spanish club presidency, and overall friendly demeanor make me the ideal candidate to run the world's largest economy and military. People say I'm like really easy to talk to. If elected president, school will run on an "as needs" basis, marijuana will be legal, and Thursday will become a government-funded "Free Sundae Day."
The area now known as Disneyland used to be a collection of low-income housing projects, ridden with unemployment, gang violence, and drugs. When Mickey came along to establish Disneyland, he created a truly modern city with a bustling tourist economy. Who says he can't do the same to America? He has promised to fund a commission of highly efficient wizards to replace doctors, thus, eliminating the need for healthcare. Furthermore, he will save endangered species by turning Montana into an Animal Kingdom, and fight China's growing economy with unicorns. Sure, he can be criticized for Disneyland's growing obesity problem, but would you rather have an obese nation wearing festive hats or a healthy one without unicorns? Think about it.
Bartlet promises to distract you from pressing issues with his epic speeches while said issues work themselves out by serendipitous acts of luck or coincidence. Also, he will defend himself against any critics with awesome zingers.
I think penises are funny. I want my president to be funny, like Reagan. If these two are true, then penis = president. What will the penis do in office? Draw more dicks all over stuff, making congressional hearings lot more fun. Also, congress = boobs.
Bill Jenkins is the friendliest neighbor Maple County, Tennessee has ever met. He may not have in-depth opinions about fancy concepts like "legislation" or "economics" or whatnot, but whenever he invites his neighbors over, he offers then lemonade and biscuits. And that's what matters. Do you really want some fancy pantsy scholar with degrees or whatnot, or just a guy you can sit down and talk to over lemonade and biscuits? Bill can do the latter. While drinking lemonade and eating biscuits with his hands. Multitasking. America.
Who says fifth time isn't a charm? C'mon, the guy deserves it. Seriously though, he might die soon.
Regardless of what she said last night, your mom would really make a good president. Her kitchen is always decked out with mad snacks and she lets you curse at the dinner table. With that mindset, world hunger and free speech should be a piece of cake.
History has proved over and over that every democracy becomes polarized into power factions and ends up in revolt with a visionary taking over who promises freedom and ends up a tyrant. The tyrant is then destabilized to make room for democracy, which is then overthrown again, etc, etc. It's all just a futile cycle, reflective of man's incapability to be free of himself. Thus, I support a society without any notion of publicly enforced government or authority. Also, I want to light mad shit on fire.