The first day of classes is fast approaching, which means that you only have a small time frame to get hammered with your high school boys, try to rekindle the flame with your ex, or spend a sober night at home with the folks. It also means that move-in day for the dorms is coming up. To make the most of this opportunity, follow this simple guide to ensure that you make tons of friends and get tons of freshman booty.
Facebook Message Every Remotely Attractive Girl
Facebook has replaced bushes and binoculars as the primary mode of stalking. Use this to your advantage by befriending and messaging every cute girl you find. It doesn't matter if you share any common interests with these girls; just make the first move and they'll be all yours. Then there is always that off-chance that one will invite you to come to her room one night and have you totally bone her. Happened to this guy my friend knew last year, man.
With so many new faces roaming the halls, it is important to stand out and make yourself known. One way to do this is to walk by rooms that have a television on, state the name of the show that is being watched while giving an approving nod, and watch it for a few minutes. Make sure not to say a word to the occupants of the room, because then you will have an air of mystery that will leave them talking about you long after you leave. For instance, every time they see you in the hall, they'll probably say things like "That's the creepy guy who just came into my room and didn't say anything."
The key to making friends?
No one can pound beers like you and your high school crew, and it's your duty to let everyone know. Challenge anyone and everyone to a drinking contest, especially parents and RAs. If you see people drinking, just barge in to their room and call them all pussies for doing a power hour with beer. Next, pour yourself a shot of Bacardi Limon every minute for the next, oh, let's say, five minutes before hurling. Just tell people it's because of how much/little you ate before though.
Blast Your Music Nonstop
Nothing says "Come in and party with me" like being deafened with the latest Justin Timberlake song. Or if you feel that that's a pussy song, just pump some Pantera tunes up and down the hall. Trust me, everyone has the same musical tastes as you do, so don't be concerned with "noise violations" or "common human decency." Better yet, if you have an electric guitar, just wail on that for a few hours a day. The groans of dissatisfaction you hear when you're done is because people want it to go on for longer, honestly.
Care For Extremely Drunk Girls
Only suckers go to parties on the party nights. The truly wise individual waits back in the dorms for the girls who are inebriated to the point that they could be coerced into letting people take pictures of their rack and posting it online. Be on the lookout for these girls, because they will be your best chance for hooking up. Convince one that she is about to puke, then take her back to your room to heave into your (or preferably your roommate's) trash can. While she is expelling the contents of her stomach, hold back her hair with one hand to appear caring while simultaneously copping a feel with the other hand to let her know you're interested. After she's done barfing, she pretty much owes you some action. When you're done having your way with her seemingly lifeless body, THEN you take the pictures of her rack and post them online.