By Caldwell Tanner
Your Love Life, as Told Through Pizza The Experimental Phase Image: A guy making out with a big, gross-looking Calzone. Mozeralla drips from his mouth like a big ol' wad of cum. Copy: What? Lots of people try new things in college. Besides, it only happened once. You just had to be sure that you weren't missing something, and while it definitely wasn't the right taste, you sometimes still think about that one magical night you spent with Cal. The Booty Call Image: A red delivery bag with the name "Pizza Slut" written on it. Instead of that hut part of the name, it should be a telephone. Copy: It was late and you were desperate, so you scrolled through your phone and found an old, reliable number that always manages to satisfy your appetite, even if you do feel a little disgusted with yourself the next day. The Drunken Mistake Image: A glass store-front with a gross-looking pizza in the window. A sign reads "99 Cent PIzza, Open 4 Anything." Copy: You really don't even know how it happened, but somehow both ended up in bed together, and all you got to show for it was some stained sheets and a burned…tongue? The Foreign Affair Image: An instagrammed picture of a Hawaiian-style pizza slice with the caption, "You haven't had pizza till you've had Hawai'ian. #aloha #leid #alohoagain #italsomeansgoodbye" Copy: Your adventurous taste has been rewarded, you've never felt so exotic! And you've never worked as hard to show how much better you are than those people with common tastes. But you know your heart isn't really in it, and when you finally give up on this phase, you'll have a hard time remembering what was so good about it in the first place. The Long-Distance Image: A pizza-box that say's Papa Greasy's Hometown Pizza Parlor with a classic pizza man dude saying, "We went to high school together!" Copy: The OneYou used to date in high-school, and whenever you were back in town to visit you'd be sure to hook up and rekindle an old flame, but deep down you know you've grown up, and your tastes have changed. Image: A couple enjoying a pizza at a nice-looking place like Don Giovannis Copy: You know they'll always be there for you, and they know what you want even better than you do. No matter how many others there were, you keep coming back to this one, because you know they're special. Also, you know their specials. The Online Hook-Up Image: A Dominos Pizza Tracker. In place of the standard statuses it reads " Oh yeah, oh god yes. Yes YES. YES!!" Copy: Sure, an online relationship might not be as healthy, but it's just so convenient. And besides, you love reading the status updates about each and every aspect of their day. The Childhood Crush Image: A Pizza Lunchables box that reads "New Pizza Lunchables! The lazy way to show your kid you kind of care about them!" Copy: Looking back, you realize it was foolish, but every time you think about those rare meetings in the elementary school cafeteria, you can't help but smile. The Out of Your League Image: The fanciest goddamn pizza you've ever seen next to a bottle of Papa Dom's champagne. Copy: Apparently money can't buy love, and it can only barely afford "truffles," whatever the hell those are. Mushrooms? It's just fancy mushrooms, right? Whatever. You can't keep this up. No matter how good it feels. The Cold Spell Image: A 'Webpiorno' brand frozen pizza Copy: So maybe you haven't been out in a while, who cares! And maybe you're not up to calling someone to come over, why bother, right? You can get things done on your own, in the privacy of your own room. Just remember, the lonely palm gets the (pizza) grease.