"I'm into weird stuff," Juanita said.
I nod, doing my best to conceal my confusion and the grease stain obtained during a pre-date pizza run. How I longed for the time when "Am I eating too much bread?" was the only question I was trying to avoid.
"Like, really weird stuff."
"Cool," I said before giving in and asking her what exactly she meant by "weird stuff."
"Have you ever heard of S&M?" she breathed into my ear.
"Is that the sexy M&M?" I joked. Of course I had heard of that. It's the I knew what it is. I leaned in to tell her about the crush I had on the melt-in-your-mouth lady in green when I was a kid, but the diet Dr. Pepper was cascading off the table before I could get the words "Well, um" out of my mouth.
My eyes parted with her heaving breasts, but by the time I returned with toilet paper to clean up the spill she was gone. The diner was out of paper towels, and I was out of luck.
I returned to my apartment and AltaVista-ed my should-have-been lover's word of the day to make sure I definitely knew what it was and, sure enough, I totally did. To celebrate, and get the image of the lady in that weird leather thing out of my head, I thought about an old friend and melted in my hand.
"I guess I am into weird stuff," I thought before sending my dear Juanita a text saying just that.
Princess Juanita said something, but I wasn't quite sure what. I had been staring at her heaving breasts ever since she started talking about how her father, The King, would never approve of her being with a peasant farmer like me. I'm not like one of those perverted jerks or anything, I just really didn't want to hear another reason why we shouldn't be together. I mean, I know it's not exactly an ideal pairingat least for anyone who isn't myself. A royal babe liking me is enough pressure. Enough about my head, how are my rocks going to come off?
"Sh!" I said as I placed my finger too far to the left of her lips to be smooth.
"Ugh, thy nail has scratched my cheek," she screamed. "What ho? Did thy wish to cut the Heavens?"
I drank her in like the fine wine I had previously tasted on her lips as she walked from my shack back to the palace. As I waited for the King's men to come for me and draw blood, I huddled behind my barrow and drew my final seed.
"Oh, yeah, totally." I said as my face went flush.
"Is this something you've been thinking about?"
Juanita pulled me closer. I felt her heaving breasts press against my chest while our things touched and stuff.
"What would people say?" she purred as she brushed the crumbs from my shirt.
They'd probably disapprove, I thought. Somehow, dinner would become even more uncomfortable. I don't really tell my dad anything, so if he found out I wanted to boink his wife's daughter, he'd probably want to have a "conversation" with me. I hate those things. Plus, like, it's only a conversation if you let the other person get a word in. Not knowing how to respond, I wiggled free from her lustful lock and explained that I was joking around and that she's weird.
She fled the front porch in tears.
I made my way up to the bathroom no one uses and popped open a bottle of "no cry" shampoo.
"Hello, I'm Nurse Juanita."
I felt a stirring in loins. Even a mangled spine couldn't keep me from bonering up.
"You've been hurt badly," she cooed. "I didn't know anyone could get that injured on a Razor scooter. How about I do something to take that pain away?"
I did all I could to open my eyes and catch a glimpse of what had to be heaving breasts, but they were swollen shut.
"Speaking of swollen," I mumbled to myself incoherently. "I am going to jerk off so hard when I get out of this place."
A pillow covered my face.
"Whoa, Juanita got a new profile picture," I thought aloud.
I got up to make sure my bedroom door was locked. Although ever so slight, the draft coming from the hall thrusted me back towards my computer and her heaving breasts.
"Maybe I should send her a message," I wondered. "Nah, that would be creepy."
Her sexiness could not be denied, no matter how strange that word made me feel. It was like the a minimum of 18-years-old product of, uh, a hot lady doing it with a hot man. I liked my post twice that night.
There was a knock at the door. As I fumbled with the handle, turning it the wrong way gently, then hard, then gently again, then the right way, I took a look through the peephole. Outside stood a lady with the most heaving breasts I had ever laid eye on.
"Hi, I just wanted to come by and introduce myself," she proclaimed as I began to fiddle with the lock on the storm door.
"Oh, you must be Juanita, my new maid," I said.
"New neighbor Juanita," she replied, kicking a giant hole through the metal screen and my heart.
"I came over to tell you to close your damn blinds."
We bid each other adieunay, adiosand I did just that.
Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.
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