By Jeff Rosenberg & Streeter Seidell
(NOTE: this should look like kama sutra Indian illustrations if possible)
The Nested Bat - Lean your partner over your deceased grandfather's trunk of WWII possessions while trying to breathe as slowly as possible so as not to inhale too many airborne mold spores. For a deeper penetration, prop your partner's leg atop the box of Easter decorations your mother thought she'd lost years ago. Take care to minimize your vocal cries, as this could alert family members that you are presently engaged in coitus.
The Sprawled Jellyfish
Atop an incredibly filthy inflatable air mattress that rests on the floor of your living room, have your companion straddle you as you both make a concerted effort to maneuver your limbs to an area of the mattress strong enough to support your weight. When the rubber mattress begins to deflate with a slow, hissing exhalation, you'll know your time has run its course, as the only remedy to this dying beast is the roar of the motor which would wake any parent on the block.
IMAGE: Girl uncomfortably straddling guy on a partially inflated air mattress
The Stationary Sloth
In a spooning position atop the pull-out couch in the living room, enter your partner with a single magnificently slow thrust until fully in the depths of her hidden chamber. Both of your bodies shall remain completely motionless as she contracts and flexes her walls from within. Doing so will keep the springs, once deep in slumber, from awakening the entire household with a dreadful squeak.
IMAGE: Guy behind girl, both with looks of terror on their face as they lay on an ancient looking pull-out couch.
The Swinging Baboon
On your childhood swing set in the backyard, lay your companion over the seat so her rear faces the heavens and her hands are firmly placed in the mud. Position yourself behind her, using the swing's chains for support. Since it is the dead of winter, be sure to layer appropriately. The pain of the cold is insignificant compared to the tetanus you'll contract after clenching your hand around a rusted chain. Swing ever so gently, as the ear-splitting grind of metal on metal may stir a resting parent.
IMAGE: Old, filthy swing. Girl in downward dog position, hands in mud. Guy behind grasping her. Both wearing heavy jackets.
The Tilted Minx - In the style of the missionaries, position your head and shoulders in such a manner that she cannot see the embarrassing Fallout Boy poster still hanging on your bedroom wall from High School. Or that “Swim Team Manager” plaque on your dresser. Do your best to quell the noises of your passion, as these may prove embarrassing should they arouse those who begat you.
IMAGE: A guy on top of girl. He’s leaning to her right blocking her view of a Fallout Boy poster.
The Tangled Monkey - In the bottom of your little brother’s old bunk beds, the male should contort his legs and bow his head so as to avoid the hanging cross bar. His partner will give her gift by wrapping her legs around his torso and bending her neck sideways to account for the low vertical clearance. While entwined in the lover’s dance, avoid excessive thrusting as this will cause the frame to creak and draw the attention of a lightly sleeping parent.
IMAGE: Girl kind straddling the guy, both are bracing off the top or back of the bunk bed. It looks super uncomfortable.
The Sleepless Owl - Unsheath the instrument of your love whilst seated in the passenger seat of your 2001 Toyota Corolla in the driveway. Since the seat no longer moves back thanks to that dumpster you hit in the CVS parking lot in 2005, your partner should position her cave of desire about you in whichever arrangement she can. Be sure to duct tape over the motion sensor in the driveway spotlight as to not trigger a flood of illumination on your passionate dalliances and, therefore, cause the family dog to commence barking.
IMAGE: Girl facing away from the guy on his lap, also super uncomfortable. There is duct tape on the motion sensor and a dog sleeping nearby.
The Grown Up - In whichever room you feel like, proceed to copulate in whichever arrangement best suits you and your partner. Worry not about noise since you are a grown up and this is the best part of being a grown up. Hell, they should be proud of you. After all, you know your parents did this same kind of thing at least once.
IMAGE: A couple getting at it in one room. Two parents lying awake in disgusted horror the next room over