By Jon Wolf
An Internet Carol First Page Gmail email thread: - Automated response from Bob Cratchit: Out of Office: Monday December 25 “Good morrow. I will be out of the office next Monday, Christmas Day. If it is an emergency please contact Ebeneezer Scrooge instead. If this is Ebeneezer Scrooge, please sir, it is but one day a year!” - Scrooge responds: “What the dickens is this, Bob? A day off, are you insane?” - Automated response from Bob Cratchit: Out of Office: Monday December 25 “Good morrow. I will be out of the office next Monday, Christmas Day. If it is an emergency please contact Ebeneezer Scrooge instead. If this is Ebeneezer Scrooge, please sir, it is but one day a year!” (I think we should cut this image off like halfway through the second automated response so that we get that it’s automatically replying but it’s not so annoying as to read it twice.) ---------------------------- Facebook Event: Fred’s Annual Christmas Shin-Dig My annual Christmas party featuring my wife’s famous punch! Also, games. Oh yes, there will be games. Fred comments: Maybe my Uncle Scrooge will come this year! - Scrooge Humbugs this On the side: - Attending: Twenty-two guests - Not Attending, Not This Year, Not Ever: Ebeneezer Scrooge (I think we’ll have to cheat this really big to make the point, otherwise the layout of an actual Event page on Facebook doesn’t really lend itself to emphasizing who is not attending. Right?) ---------------------------- Kickstarter message from project Oi! ‘Elp Us ‘Elp the Needy In short: The poor, indigent families of London need our help in this holiday season. The money raised will go to feed and clothe those who cannot provide for themselves. You donated £0 and commented: “Are there no prisons? No workhouses? Why not let them die, and decrease the surplus population!” Thank you for supporting our project! - Messrs. Poole & Hawking ---------------------------- LinkedIn convo at 11:59 pm December 24: Jacob Marley: Scrooge! ScroOoOoOoge! Scrooge: Jacob Marley? My old partner? You stopped using LinkedIn seven years ago! Did someone hack your account? Marley: I am the spirit that was Jacob Marley in life! I’VE COME TO GIVE YOU A HEADS UPPPPPPPP word is you’re acting like a real a-hole. Like you might not get into Heaven a-hole. I’m sendin three of my buddies to talk to you, Scared Straight style. The first at 1 AM, second at 2. third whenever, he didn’t text me back. Scrooge: Couldn’t they all come at once, and save me the trouble? Marley: nah, everything sold out this close to Christmas so they had to wait standby. aight i’m out. good luck w everything. ESPECIALLY THE REPENTANCE! Second Page [I thought it’d be cool if this section is done as an image of the old AOL desktop. The buddy list on the side, the AOL Keyboard search bar at the top, window in the middle. One of those purple Bonzi Buddy Gorillas. When Scrooge and the Ghost talk, it could be in AIM windows.] IM convo: Scrooge: You must be the spirit whose coming was foretold to me by Jacob Marley. Ghost: Totes. I am the Ghost of Internet Past. Scrooge: Long past? Ghost: Your past. History, Most Visited, Recently Closed Tabs. check it: angelfire.com/ebedeezenuts6969 ---------------------------- AngelFire custom webpage: Ebeneezer’s School Page - photo of school. Some terribly 90s, but still legible background image. View counter at bottom On the side, links: About, Pictures, Message Board, Contact Scrooge: My sister Fan helped me build this page! How I miss her so! Ghost: She had a son, right? Your nephew Fred. He’s quite like her. He has her hair. And her eyes. And her laugh. And her kind nature. And her way with people. Scrooge: Yeah, yeah, I get it. --------------- Old CollegeHumor Page: Mr. Fezziwig dancing gif Scrooge: Good old Fezziwig! We apprentices all loved him for the joy he brought us. Ghost: What did he do to deserve your love? Threw a party? Made the office fun? Smiled? Cost practically nothing. COUGH HINT COUGH Scrooge: I guess the Ghost of Christmas Subtlety got lost on the way over, huh? --------------- MySpace Photo: Belle and Scrooge dancing In the comments: Scrooge: Belle! It’s me, Ebeneezer! Ghost: She can’t see your comments, Ebeneezer. No one’s been on the site for years. Scrooge: Oh. She’s so beautiful, I’d forgotten how much. Ghost: Dude, she’s not even 18 in this picture. Creeper status! Scrooge: What? No, she was... I was younger too! Shut up. ---------------------------- An old AIM conversation between Scrooge and Belle - funky fonts/font colors/background colors (as long as it’s still legible) Scrooge: Hey, sry im late Belle: w/e Scrooge: i said sry. this time of year, my business, i have to use my time wisely. Belle: ebeneezer, i need to ask you something. if we had met today, would we be engaged? me, a poor girl with nothing to bring to the marriage but myself? no money, no prospects? say something! Scrooge: brb Belle: oh what a safe and terrible answer! **Away Message: Belle: 3** Scrooge: wtfffffffff i said brb Scrooge: I’m tired, spirit, show me no relics of the past. Ghost: Aw, man, what about this: [Peanut Butter Jelly Time] Third Page StumbleUpon - Ghost of Internet Present requests to be Ebeneezer’s friend Scrooge: You must be the second spirit that Jacob warned of. Ghost: Verily! I am the Ghost of Internet Present! Click on my robe! --------------- Twitter Results for #CratchitFeast TinyTim: sry me an @TheRealBobCratchit are late to #CratchitFeast. Had to show the ppl @ church how crippled i am an how thankful they should be this time o year #notmad #justcrippled TheRealBobCratchit: Time for a toast! To the new year, to our health and to the guy who hooked #CratchitFeast up, @MrScrooge! MamaCratchit: #wth @TheRealBobCratchit don’t ruin #CratchitFeast. SusanCratchit: #awkwardfamilymoments #cratchitfeast TheRealBobCratchit: My dear @MamaCratchit have some charity! It’s Christmas! Think of @SusanCratchit @TommyCratchit @Belindurr and especially @TinyTim #CratchitFeast MamaCratchit: ...oh alright @TheRealBobCratchit. For your sake, my love. Here’s to @MrScrooge. May he have a merry Christmas and long life. #CratchitFeast TinyTim: #YouKnowYoureCoughingUpBloodWhen it’s in your hand. #CratchitFeast #HumbleBrag ---------------------------- iChat: Scrooge: Tell me spirit, does the boy live? Ghost: I see a future with an #RIP Trending Topic and an account without an owner. If these shadows do not alter, no more of my species will find him in a search, no matter how optimized his profile. Scrooge: Is there nothing that can be done? Doctors? Medicine? Ghost: What? Pity? From you, Scrooge? Better the boy die, and decrease the surplus population! Scrooge: Fine trick, spirit, to copy and paste my own words against me. Ghost: Click upon my Twitter profile, Ebeneezer Scrooge! I have but two Twitter followers, @Ignorance and @Want! They are the followers of everyone on Twitter! They spell the downfall of everyone who ignores their existence! Scrooge: Please, I’m quite tired, Spirit, please let me go to my homepage. Fourth Page A Tumblr Dashboard. The Ghost of Internet Yet to Come is now following you Scrooge Text Post: “To my new follower: What do you want? Where are we?” Scrooge: “Enable the ‘Ask’ feature, damn you!” (In the iChat convo window here and below, let’s have the Ghost always have the “...” typing icon come up in response to Scrooge like it’s about to say something, but never does.) Ghost reblogs BankerThomas: You know when someone dies and first you’re like: [some sad gif] But then you’re like [some ecstatic, or happily shrugging gif] Scrooge: Why are you showing me this, spirit? What could I possibly learn from some mannerless troll? Show me some tenderness, some depth of feeling! --------------- Reddit: Bob Cratchit submits - TIL What it means to lose a son Mama Cratchit posts: Oh Tim. Everyone misses you so much. Tommy Cratchit: He was so thoughtful. Susan Cratchit: I miss him everyday. s_carton: yo this should rly be in /r/picturesofdeadkids IMO Scrooge: “Spirit tell me: Are these the images of a Christmas set in stone or mere shadows of a possible future?” --------------- Instagram: Ghost posts a photo of Scrooge’s tombstone Scrooge: “No! No, it can’t be! Show me no more low-res filtered photos, spirit! I’ve seen the man I was and I can change! Tell me I may Photoshop away the writing on this stone! I promise to keep Christmas in my heart the entire year, to let the past, present and future flow through me! I will be a better man. Please, let me live!” Fifth Page Desktop with a pop-up notification: “Screensaver off. Display is now awake.” --------------- Yahoo! Answers: Scrooge asked: “What day is it?” Top rated: “Why, it’s Christmas Day, sir!” Scrooge replies: “Wonderful boy, splendid boy!” Other Answers: TwistnShout: Ever hear of a calendar, dingus? PipPipHooray: Do you expect us to Google everything for you, too? --------------- Seamless Confirmation: Ye Contemporary Butcher Shoppe Delivery on Monday, December 25, the Year of our Lord 1843 Deliver to: Robert Cratchit, Esq., 136 Shaftesbury Ave Delivery Instructions: Paid for by an anonymous benefactor ;) 1 - Stuffed Goose - Size: Young Street Urchin 10 - Vegetable Soup 2 - Family-Style Bread Pudding 1 - Garlic Knots ------------ Kickstarter - Campaign Page? Update: We had a VERY generous last-minute gift from an anonymous donor, so we were able to reach our goal and then some! Thank you to everyone who gave! VIP tote bags will be mailed out after the new year. ------------- Facebook: Fred’s Annual Christmas Shin-Dig event page Scrooge is Attending, Making Up for Lost Time. -------------- Twitter: MamaCratchit: @TheRealBobCratchit someone dropped off a humongous prized goose for dinner...can we afford this? TheRealBobCratchit: @MamaCratchit it says it’s a gift...from a friendly benefactor! SusanCratchit: It’s a Christmas miracle! TinyTim: #GodBlessUs @Everyone!