Speaker John Boehner wasn't going down without the last word. "I'm afraid we've got more Covenant on the way," buzzed the Cortana AI. The Master Chief was already on it, jumping into the swarm of Brutes with his rifle blazing white-hot. An Elite made the charge toward Boehner, but the Ohio public servant's impressive torso sculpted on the Moeller High Football Field deflected every attack before unleashing an assault of his own with the Springfield Rifle it was his God-given right to carry.
"Thanks for the assist," quipped the stoic Spartan as he and Boehner mentally fist-bumped. Cortana quickly cut in, "No time to rest boys, we've got to reach the United Nations Space Command before " Boehner held up his hand with a well-earned air of authority, "The UN!? You seriously put the United Nations in charge of the space army?" The silence said it all.
"Aliens are not the problem here! The only real way to save humanity is to reduce this bloated space government and its uncontrollable, unsustainable spaceship spending." The Master Chief looked deep into Boehner's eyes, sensing both the conviction and righteousness of his fellow super human's cause. The chief reloaded his shotgun. "It's time to put our fiscal house in order."
Finally, Boehner lowered his bow and nodded at Grimes. For some reason he just trusted Rick. Maybe it was because he was a rural sheriff who clearly placed a lot of emphasis on family. Perhaps it was because he was white. Who knows?
"Look, I know you guys have your own problems, but we really need some of that food," said the disheveled Grimes. "We'd have more food ourselves, if only " Rick's wife Lori cut in, "The taxes! Even right up to the invasion we couldn't stock up, there was just so little free spending money." Just then, a group of roamers attacked.
Boehner had worked hard for his living human flesh and he'd be damned if he was going to give it up just because an increasingly undead segment of the population felt they were owed it. After taking out the last deformed roamer with an axe, Boehner turned to Rick and the two nodded at their violent affirmation of self-reliance that the pre-apocalyptic America had been built on.
Suddenly Rick whipped out his pistol again as he spotted Mitt, his teeth sunk deep into the fatty flesh of Dale's corpse. Boehner quickly stepped between them. "He used to be a zombie, but he says he isn't anymore." Boehner looked back at Mitt, who had stood up and was now shaking hands with the other survivors like he was one of them. Boehner couldn't shake the feeling that, whatever he said, Mitt was still a zombie.
"Frodo that ring isn't yours. It belongs to the Dark Lord, Sauron." Frodo hesitated, muttering, "But King Aragorn and Gondor " Boehner shook his head. "The government of Gondor had no right to confiscate private property. It's a basic tenet of any free society." Frodo still hesitated. "But Sauron will destroy the world."
Boehner held the giant magical bow tight in his hands, ready to act in defense of the sacred property rights. "People have been saying that Sauron will destroy the world for years now, but as I see it, the science is still up for debate. I mean, has the world been destroyed yet?" Frodo admitted it had not. Boehner continued, "All I know for sure is that Sauron worked hard and spent his own magic making that ring and if he wants to use it to destroy the world, well, that's a lot of job creation right there. Siege engines don't just magically build themselves. Yet."
Frodo nodded but had to admit, "I really did like having a magic ring." Boehner smiled and put his hand on his much shorter friend's shoulder, "Frodo, I believe if you work hard, invest wisely, and believe in Middle Earth you can have a magic ring too. Anyone can." And as if to punctuate his point a glorious sight greeted the two weary adventurers as they exited the volcano. Frodo pointed at the huge freedom-loving flyers in wonder. "The bald eagles have arrived!"