Hello, my name is Mark Malcovich and I am writing this testimonial as a warning to anyone who is interested in experimenting with the drug "Life." Now let me just say, I never intended on getting hooked on the stuff. It was just something fun to do with my buddies in college; it was supposed to help me unwind after class. It was simple at first you know, playing Frisbee on the lawn or just taking a bike ride around campus. That was all we needed to get a good buzz going. It started with just us doing it once every few weeks, but then it turned into every few days, then just about everyday of the week. (I developed a serious case of arthritis from playing Frisbee so much and now have to masturbate with the help of a machine). But eventually, even that wasn't good enough anymore. "This is boring" we would all say in unison while riding our tandem bike. That is when we started getting into the hard stuff.
We were into everything and anything, you name it: Hiking, Friendly Debates, Morning Jogs, and Chess. We were high so often, I started ditching class just so I could go learn cartography in the back of my buddies van. I was a mess. And I hadn't even hit rock bottom yet.
Despite my absences I still managed to graduate and marry my then girlfriend Tonya. It was a rash decision we both made since we were madly in love and it was during our impromptu trip to Vegas so, needless to say, that had us smacked for a good while. And when I started living with Tonya, things just started getting worse. We supported each other's addictions. She would take me to a rare Turkish spa and I would show her a part of the woods where a family of wolves lived. We just stopped caring. We made love so much while we were high that I couldn't even get it up anymore unless I was bungee jumping.
And things only continued to get worse. I started base-jumping every other day until it got to the point where even Tonya didn't want to be around me. She decided to quit Life and try to get me to quit with her. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. She left me and I began to spiral farther. I started spelunking heavily and had to resort to street performance to feed my addiction. That is until one day, I couldn't afford to even go on a bike ride and I just ended up sitting under a bridge trying to learn French.
I stayed under that bridge for two weeks until social workers found me and cleaned me up. I was able to detox and I have been attending support groups ever since. I have been sober 3 years now and I can't remember ever being happier. I don't even think about leaving my room for excitement anymore. And I am happy. But it wasn't easy getting to this point. And I would change it all if I could go back. So please, heed my warning whoever you are and don't do it. It isn't worth it at all. Trust me.
Just do heroin instead.