My Life is SUCH an Action Movie - Image 2

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Ha-ha, my life is SUCH an action movie, you guys. It's just like any time I go to do anything, heroic ol' me does something incredible to save the day. Take last wee—HEY, WATCH OUT! Dude, you almost got hit by that bullet. Did you seriously not see the red dot on your forehead? Huh. Weird. Anyway, take last week for example, when I—WHAT? In here? There's A BOMB in this room right now? Pass it over to me, all you have to do is take your machete like this and wait… Is it the red or yellow wire I'm supposed to cut? I'd call my mentor to ask, but he was dropped into a volcano at a time when I was very impressionable. Oh, yellow, right. I always know it's either one or the other. See? Pfaw, you can't write this stuff, I'm telling you.
Back to last week. Okay, where was I? Ah, I was—Shit, sorry, forgot to turn my spy gear off. Can you believe everything we've said or done while being held captive in this evil lair miles upon miles off of the Barbary Coast was being recorded in high definition and perfect sound quality by this pair of contacts. It's no wonder I couldn't sleep in them. I don't know why we haven't been rescued yet, but I'm sure it has something to do with a double agent, or my boss being held prisoner in the skull-shaped cave next to us. You might remember something similar happening in a Stallone, Statham, or Schwarzenegger movie, but I'm not making this up—it could happen. My life is just like that. This WOULD happen to me, and did.
Even if he is an enchanted monkey stone's toss away, I'm beginning to become a little bit skeptical of that guy. My boss, I mean. Not enough to question anything he does or tells me to do, but I have to admit, the shouting "Yes, yes. Right where I want you to be!" when I leave the room after I've been given an assignment is pretty off-putting. I'd think about working elsewhere, but this is all I know, aside from that one instance where I led an average life for an undeterminable amount of time. I know it was long enough to get married, and be incredibly sad when my arch enemy murdered my wife, but who can put an interval on that? Can you believe I've only ever thought about her again when I was exacting my reve—LOOK OUT! You can't just lean on the walls, you guys. There's a bunch of different levers and stuff that can make them close in on us, or shoot spikes, or whatever. It's a good thing that car with the easy-to-see logo was randomly there to take the brunt of the attack and look all cool while exploding, yet not causing any form of injury to us—like in all of those blow 'em ups you see those Hollywood types turning out. It's like they're following me, and, knowing my history, they probably are—in helicopters.
And I'm off on a tangent again about the unbelievable happenings of my life while I'm trying to tell you about the other unbelievably happenings of my life. Yikes. You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. It's like you could take Michael Cera, make him gain 150 pounds of pure muscle, trot him out on the set of a Christopher Nolan film, and it would like literally be my life. Well, not "literally," because my life isn't make belie—YES, my plan worked. According to the last words of the guard I just snuffed the life out of with my own bare hands even though I was armed, the villain's girlfriend sent a smoke signal saying she'd like to make love to me. I think this is our way out of this, even though it's never worked before. Seriously, how many times have you found yourself yelling at the screen when you see this in a flick? But, whoop, that's just my life, you guys.
Which reminds me of what I was talking about. Last week, I had sex with this woman I only knew for about five minutes, and she didn't even make me use a condom. Not that I would have had one on me, in a tuxedo I punched off of a henchman—as one does when they're infiltrating a particularly evil casino. Isn't it weird that I've never once used protection, and neither I, nor my various partners ever have to clean up or do anything but look awesome and disease-free? I've never actually had the chance to give it much thought. Probably because I never go to the bathroom, since, you know, my life is such an action movie.

Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.