By Alex Watt
-Plays a loud noise over whatever dumb thing you’re trying to say.
-Image: “Now covering up: “I’ll bet dog meat would actually taste pretty dope.”
-Friend or No, Why Would You Even Think That?
-Helps you figure out if someone you’re attracted to is being nice or just being nice.
-Image: Someone holding their iPhone in front of a babe while the phone displays “She thinks you look like a young Steve Brule.”
-Lets you monitor whether you sounded like you were playfully joking, or seriously being the biggest a-hole on the planet.
-Image: A meter ranging from Earnest to Burnest.
-Sends your phone text messages that look like they could be from a significant other.
-Image: a text message from Cindy Baberton “"pls buy condoms we r almost out luv u bebe (heart emoji)"”
-Guides you to sleep while you’re carpooling with someone whom you have nothing to talk about.
-Image: a “map” listing "driving" instructions for how to fall asleep with an accompanying map of the brain. Go straight ahead to warm water and whiskey.
- Locate nearest flask of whiskey
- Proceed to chug whiskey until nothing is left.
- Go straight to sleep.
-Locates where the plunger is in a house, so you don’t have to ask.
-Image: A map of a house showing that it’s “Under the sink, where it always is, you idiot.”
-Won’t let you open Facebook in public if you don’t have any notifications.
-Image: Mark Zuckerberg wagging his finger “no.”
-Generates random topics for you to talk about that aren’t about temperature with friends, family, and other people who you can actually admit are strangers.
-Image: Sitting in the middle seat on an airplane mood: “It’s humid.”
Neighbor Status: Complete Stranger
in a box labeled “Try Saying” put the “it’s humid” line
-Do iHave Something Stuck in My Teeth?
-Allows you to check if you have something in your teeth, saving your bathroom trips for going to the bathroom, catching your breath, and self-pep talks.
-Image: iPhone camera screen, targeting reticule on screen that reads 'POPPYSEED DETECTED, FLOSS LEVEL ALPHA'
-Death in the Family
-Connects you with a guy, or guy who knows a guy, that can provide you with an excuse to get out of any obligation besides going to a funeral or serving jail time.
-Image: Phone calling “Alexei (Russian Mob)”