What up, lovemeisters! Lovemaster D here (formerly Sexxmasta XXxX) to answer all your hot, throbbing questions about the ladies R. E. Colon HOW TO GET THEM.

Now a lot of you always ask me, "Yo, Sexxmasta, I really wanna fuck some classy bitches, but these bitches won't let me fuck em - what's these bitches fuckin' problems?" BZZZT! WRONG! There's your first problem right there - you think the problem's with the bitches, when the problem is really with the biggest bitch of all -- YOU. And it's a problem with only one solution: You gotta learn how to FUCK ROMANTIC.

Today, I'm gonna teach you how to fuck all romantic, so can go out and do that and be like "Thanks Sexmasta!" and I'll be like "You can thank me after you stop fuckin plus there's two X's in Sexxmasta but thanks man up top!"

Here's the rubber: These women today, you can't just be all "Hey baby, lemme buy you a drink, how bout two drinks, how bout three drinks, BOOM! Cab, bedroom, D, sleep". Nah, these modern bitches -- well first of all, you shouldn't call them "bitches", it's not polite cause they're smart people -- but anyway these bitches are like "I have a job, I like nice clothes and shit, so if you want to get with me, you better gimme some romance." You're all like "Ro-WHAAT?" Mance is the answer. Here are 7 Ways To Put The "Romantic" in "Romantic Fucking":

 

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Light a shit-ton of candles and put em all around your apartment til it looks like a fuckin' Kay Jewelers fuckfactory. For extra romance, you can put em in a line leading to your bed so she's all "ooh what's over here..." then there's like so fucking many around the bed that she's like "Ahhhh! I love these! And they smell like fuckin' pine trees, my favorite trees!!!" It's like if anything she'll fuck you too much.

DO NOT: Put the candles in the shape of a dick. I know that'll be your first thought cause I thought of it too, but she won't like it -- just put em in a dick shape real quick before you light em, laugh, but then put em back to normal before she comes over. Real important.

 

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Champagne has chemicals in it that make classy ladies fuckin' all like ready to fuck, and it's not just the alcohol (but also there's alcohol - WINK!) Just be careful opening the bottle so the cap doesn't go flying and like kill some shit, cause it'll also kill your boner. Little pour here, little pour there, toast to World Peace or like how nice the moon is, clink glasses, sip it up, and you got that classy lady on a first-class flight to Pussytowne. Airport Code: "Y-E-S".

 

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Get some roses, throw them on the bed and then fuck on them. It's the best! Just don't fuck the roses by mistake, because you might yell out "oh yeah rose!" and she'll be like "that's not my name! WELL I NEVER!" and splash water in your face and storm out and you'll probably get hit with a pie or some shit.

Really any flowers work, probably, they're all pretty romantic. Except like, those shitty thorny ones. And like Sunflowers. And Dandelions, if those count as flowers. They're in like, the flower ballpark. But don't buy them. Other than those three, any flowers work, just make sure to spend at least $20 on them, cause nothing under $20 can be classy by definition or science.

 

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Full disclosure, I don't have silk sheets and I'm not sure how to get them, but classy people in movies always have them so if they're not like crazy expensive you should put some on your bed and the rich ladies'll be like "oooh" and wanna crawl around on them naked and stuff. Plus you can crawl around on them naked and stuff too, and it probably feels great, like when you run your bare feet over a carpet only in this case your feet are your THANG. Guess what? Now she's nailin you like you're friggin Sir Anthony Hopkins, is what.

 

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"Chivalry is dead," the smart ladies always say. You'll be like "I agree with you OHHHHHHH WHAAAATTTTTT what's THIS?" and you open the door for her and she's like "WHOA what are you like some fuckin' Knight" and you'll be like "Yeah and you can be my KING ARTHUR, baby." Cause he was their master not cuz he fucked his knights, haha SHIT not what I meant lol!! Also fwiw don't say lol to the classy dames.

 

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Duh!

 

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The clincher! You buy her that puppy and when that cute little shit pops its puffy furry head outta the box (with the bow probably still kinda hanging off its ear a little = !!!) then you are on your way to the ultimate fuckfest: MARRIAGE.

So now you're ready to go out there, grab that bitch an' take her home and get that D wet then enjoy the rest o' your life together as you learn to grow and understand each other on a level you've never experienced before in your neverending series of one-night-stands, gradually realizing that your fulfillment stems not just from satiated sexual desire but from something deeper and more transcendent, and learning not just to tolerate each others' faults but to love those faults, embracing them not as imperfections but as the very characteristics that shape the perfectly-imperfect being that truly is your other half, who truly grows to be not just your lover but your eternal companion to hold your hand through the endless darkness that is human existence, and who finally instills your life with meaning through your magical selfless co-dependency that borders on the downright spiritual.

Happy fuckin!!!!

 

(Images via Shutterstock)