Illustrated by Charlie Laud and Matt Garczynski.
By Will Stephen
Format: close-up body maps of man, with certain regions highlighted, and descriptions coming out in bubbles
- Face highlighted - bubble out: Acne, or acne vulgaris, is a skin problem that starts when oil and dead skin cells clog up your pores. Some people call it blackheads, blemishes, whiteheads, pimples, or zits. Some people also call it part of their natural, God-given body and therefore none of your business. Severe acne can cover the face, neck, chest, and back. But even if that’s true, it’s not a big deal and doesn’t affect your life literally at all so why don’t you just buzz off and deal with your own problems.
- Arms, Legs, and Torso Highlighted - bubble out: Muscle Soreness is pain or discomfort in one or more muscles, such as those in the legs, arms, stomach, or back. It is a common condition, and is totally reasonable to experience for a few days after running two miles against your will as part of an unfair and inhumane athletic requirement, especially when you excel in other activities, such as Model UN, playing bass in the jazz band, and beating Final Fantasy XIII in under a week (happened).
Rest, ice, massage, and over-the-counter pain relievers can often help reduce muscle soreness, but also athleticism is overrated and a surprising number of girls actually prefer guys who are more cerebral in today’s modern, progressive society, so yeah.
- Chin highlighted - bubble out: Patchy Facial Hair could be a sign of trichotillomania, a psychological condition that causes people to pull their own hair out, or it could just be part of the process of growing out that badass goatee you want in your passport photo no matter what your stepdad Russell says about “this family.”
Treatment options include cognitive therapy or just telling him to sack up and deal with it and stop crying about how hard it is to be a public attorney, dweeb.
- Mouth highlighted - bubble out: An Overbite is a type of malocclusion (poor bite) which occurs when the upper front teeth reach too far down over the lower front teeth.
Overbites are often treated with braces, which are annoying but worth it because when you get them off you look sexy as hell and the b*tches come out of the woodwork, especially when you’re also rockin’ rad new K-Swisses (bought on the way home from the orthodontist, mothatrucka).
- Ears highlighted - bubble out: Tinnitus, or ringing in the ears, is the sensation of hearing ringing, buzzing, hissing, or other sounds, such as during first period Bio after being out the night before till like midnight for your first ever My Chemical Romance show ever despite being a massive fan for like six years. Tinnitus is very common, affecting an estimated 50 million adults in the U.S., but what’s not common is knowing every word to every song (unlike a lot of bandwagon posers) and screaming them along with Gerard at the top of your lungs, even though you were at the very back and couldn’t really see, and also had to leave before the encore because some people don’t understand how important their music is.
For most people, tinnitus is merely an annoyance, but for others it’s a badge of honor from a night spent feeling truly alive and one with art and what it means to be young and also a good way to not hear Russell whining on the drive home about how he waited in the parking lot for two hours but still loves you and considers you a son blah blah, yeah OK Russell shut it.
- Groin highlighted - bubble out: Erectile Dysfunction is the inability to achieve or sustain an erection suitable for sexual intercourse or just second/third base, depending which version we’re talking. Problems with erections may stem from medications, poor blood flow to the penis, drinking too much alcohol (note: Coronas are surprisingly strong), but also often not from the guy and actually from girls just not knowing how to do stuff (gets better junior year).
Though when you have a lot of sex with girls from camp who I guess you guys have never actually met, weird, then you get used to it and you can go for like four hours straight, which is pretty baller. Also, average penis size is not in fact 6 inches but more like 4 or 4.5, which is actually pretty big in and of itself by the way.
- Head highlighted - bubble out: Agitation and Mood Swings may occur as part of an Acute Stress Reaction, or one’s physical and psychological response to a stressful situation, sometimes accompanied by F*cking Psychopathic Episodes. Which yeah no sh*t might happen when your idiotic balding stepdad logs into your Xanga and reads excuse me PRIVATE INFORMATION which then leads to awkward “family” therapy about how you two need to connect and listen to each other which nope no thanks plus last I checked privacy is a constitutional right thank you very much.
Stress can be eased through exercise, prescribed medication, and sleep, as well as through playing bass along to Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge till three in the morning, drawing angry anime characters blowing each other up, and listening to the Final Fantasy XIII soundtrack on full blast on headphones while you successfully do twenty push-ups in a row for the first time, eff yeah.
- Head highlighted - bubble out: Euphoria, or a “high” feeling of overwhelming pleasure, may occur when your step-dad inexplicably drives past your school the next morning instead of dropping you off like what the hell and then smiles and says that he took a sick day and that he’s sorry and that you two are driving eight hours to Columbus to be front row center for the My Chemical Romance show that night, mister.
Side effects include kind of crying with joy a little bit (shut up) and losing your voice and being able to touch Gerard’s sweat and seeing your dad, sorry stepdad, in an MCR shirt jumping up and down like an old fat idiot but kind of an amazing one. Also Gerard may touch your hand during “Welcome to the Black Parade” and you might be the happiest you’ve ever been, right up there with beating FFXIII, believe it or not (I know).
- Ears highlighted - bubble out: Chronic Tinnitus, or repeated ringing in the ears, is the persistent or recurring sensation of hearing ringing, buzzing, hissing, or other sounds, and is a BADASS problem to have and to talk about nonstop the next day at school along with not washing the stamp off your hand - from where? Oh, just a club in Columbus. Yeah. It’s whatever. Haha.
You don’t even need to treat it because given the context of your life it actually feels better than having sex with those camp girls, who are real and have names I would just prefer not to share them actually, so frickin’ drop the subject alright?!