Goddamn Cold and Flu Season - Image 1

It's the middle of winter and you know what that means: time for everyone you know to start getting sick. Whether it's a cough, cold, fever or the flu, chances are that you're going to do battle with some malady this winter. But fear not, I'm here to help get you prepared. As a veteran of sixteen bouts of strep throat, twenty different strains of the flu and coughs/colds too numerous to count, I know my way around a sick day. If you follow my advice as the first sign of sickness you should be on the road to recovery in no time.

Here are three easy steps that should bring you out of this cold and flu season with a winning record.

Goddamn Cold and Flu Season - Image 1
Sleep – Sleep is the single most effective weapon against the sins – physical or mental – that have brought on this bout of illness. When you're asleep, you can no longer commit sinful acts like lying, stealing, or denying His existence — thus the One True God will probably be more lenient and lessen your sentence. BUT what about those lustful sex dreams and prideful flying dreams? Aren't those sinful, you ask? Of course they are and even if you cannot control it, a sin is a sin. That's why I recommend starting each sleep session with a dose of NyQuil. The NyQuil will not only lull you to sleep sooner but also help keep the Devil in your mind at bay while you rest.
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Hydrate – Drink. Plenty. Of. Fluid! I really can't recommend this enough, even if you feel like you've already had enough. The more your body needs to urinate, the less time there is available for your genitals to be used to sinful sexual purposes. The less time you use your genitals for pleasure, the less time you'll be sick since God gave everyone genitals to make more humans, not to have fun, so when you have fun with them he makes you ill. Duh! But what kind of fluid? Well, it doesn't really matter since the only reason you're drinking it is to keep your sinful libido in check. But I'd recommend Gatorade for the simple reason that the lightning bolt on the bottle should remind you of the awesome power of God!
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Relax – This is the hardest one for me, personally, but when you've angered God to the point that He, in His infinite wisdom, has sent a mighty illness down upon you, you have to try to relax. I know, I know, it's hard in our modern world with so many prayer groups to lead, so many missionary message boards to moderate, and so many protests to attend, but you've gotta do it. Divorce yourself from all commitments (but not your spouse, since that's a mortal sin and you'll get even sicker). With all this spare time, you'll finally be able to properly mentally punish yourself for your sinful ways. Sit in silence and think about all of the horrible things you've done, all of the sins you've committed, all of the times you've had to praise Him and instead satisfied yourself. Think of what a worthless, sinful, evil nobody you are and when you finally accept that you are nothing to Him or before Him, only then will your illness begin to heal. It should be about 3-4 days in my experience.

That's it: Sleep, drink fluids, and relax. You should be feeling better in no time. And if not, you've clearly angered Him beyond the the point where any form of repentance will be acceptable. If that's the case, make peace with your loved ones, find a good priest to take your last confession and prepare to roast in the fiery pits of Hell until His bloodlust is satisfied.


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