Hello, my name is Pretentious Waiter. I'll be the person who tries to guilt you into tipping me more all night. It's annoying that you're here. Allow me to shove this extremely large menu in your date's face first and now in yours. You'll notice that even though the menu is the size of a TV, the writing is too small to be read with the naked eye. It's also written in cursive and many of the words are in French to make you feel stupid.

And here comes my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to take away two plates on your table that we apparently put there for no reason whatsoever. OK then!

Now let me put this thick book full of wine names – also mostly spelled in French – on the table right in the most inconvenient place. I'll stand it up so that you have a better chance of accidentally knocking it down later.

Even though every single person in the history of time has said Yes to this question, I'm going to ask you anyway: Would you like some water? Yes? Great, now let me make you say, out loud, how cheap you are by offering you the opportunity to pay for a bottle of water instead of tap. Tap? I'm going to give you a little half smile now and say that things are "very good," even though you've just had to admit, in front of your date, that she's not special enough for a bottle of water.

Now I will leave you here for 15 minutes, during which time I will go stand by the ordering terminal looking at little scraps of paper in my apron. Don't worry, I won't make eye contact with you no matter how much you try to get my attention.

(10 minutes later)

Hello, I am a different Fancy Man wearing a Silver Pendent on my neck that has something to do with wine. I am here to make you feel foolish because you know nothing about wine while I know everything. Would you like some wine to compliment your meal? Yes, that's it, open the book and pretend to read it. I'll now ask you a series of questions about what kind of wine you like even though you clearly have no idea. Let me just say that if you're having trouble choosing I highly recommend the 2003 French Words. Shall I bring you a bottle or will you be being cheap? Cheap? Wonderful, two glasses it is.

Goodbye for now.

(2 minutes later)

Every Fancy Restaurant Ever - Image 1

Hello, it's me, Fancy Man Silver Pendent again. Here are your two glasses of 2003 French Words. Since you did not buy a bottle you will never see me again.
(3 minutes later)

Hello again. It's me, Pretentious Waiter. Here are your waters. It took me 15 minutes to get them because your table is not a priority since you have a beard and clearly are not rich. What's that? You're ready to order. OK, let me pretend to be surprised by that. Now I'm going to let you start giving me your order when….Oh, let me tell you about our specials. Tonight the five illegal immigrants who actually cook the food have prepared a fish with a fancy name, a steak that is two ingredients different from the one on the menu, and a vegetarian dish that nobody has ever ordered in the history of time. The fish is MP, which today is $1,000 an ounce, the steak is $Expensive and we didn't even bother setting a price for the vegetarian entree since nobody will ever order it.

No? The Specials don't appeal to you? That's fine. Order off the regular menu like the coward you are.

Let me start by taking the lady's order. Oh, you need just one more second? Well let me try to get away while I can and leave you sitting here for another 15 minutes. Ah, she's ready. Foiled again. She'll have the pork. Allow me to say "Excellent choice," which I would have said if you ordered a bag of cold dog shit instead. And for the gentleman? The swordfish. I will also pretend that this is an excellent choice even though we both know you only ordered it because it was one of the few words in English on the menu.

Let me just take away two forks and one knife from each of your place settings for no reason.

Now I will disappear for half an hour.

(10 minutes later)

Every Fancy Restaurant Ever - Image 1

Hello, I am other, less fancy waiter. Let me put more bread in your bread basket, even if you don't want me to. OK, goodbye. You will never see me again.
(10 minutes later)

Hello, I am host-type person dressed in a fancier outfit than your waiter. Allow me to ask you how you're enjoying your experience at Expensive Restaurant so that I may pretend to listen? Uh huh. Great. Wonderful. I have no idea what you just said, but I will touch your date's back with my palm as I am leaving the table. And….there. I've touched her.

You will never see me again.

(10 minutes later)

Hello again, it's me, Pretentious Waiter. I'm going to act like these plates are too hot for normal humans to touch but somehow my magic waiter hands are able to absorb the heat. I'm also going to pretend that these plates are hot because the food is so hot, not because these plates were sitting under a warming lamp for twenty minutes. Excellent.

Now I am legally required to ask you if you would like my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to crack pepper all over your food. Yes? Wonderful, enjoy your meal enough to tip me well!

Every Fancy Restaurant Ever - Image 4

(42 seconds later)

Hello, I'm back to see how you like your food even though you haven't eaten it yet. Great, you say? Wonderful. I see we've entered the part of our relationship where you're going to just say things are great even if they aren't so that I'll leave you alone. Wish granted. You'll see me again many, many, many minutes after you've finished eating.
(Forever later)

Hello, I'm back. I see you've eaten the food that I brought you last month. My Mute Immigrant Sidekick will be along shortly to take away your plates. In the meantime, even though it's well past midnight, let me shove two more menus in your face and trick you into ordering even more food. I'll also awkwardly stand here while you two have a conversation about whether or not to order dessert.

Still standing here.

I can do this all night.

No dessert? I'm going to act like it's weird not to end a meal with a $35 cheesecake. I suppose you'd like your check now, yes? OK, I'll be back in 20 minutes with it.

(20 minutes later)

Here is your check. Now I will be extremely nice to you for the next two seconds before I go into the kitchen and tell all the line cooks about what a dickhead you were.

Have a great night, please dine at Expensive Restaurant again.


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