Hello, my name is Pretentious Waiter. I'll be the person who tries to guilt you into tipping me more all night. It's annoying that you're here. Allow me to shove this extremely large menu in your date's face first and now in yours. You'll notice that even though the menu is the size of a TV, the writing is too small to be read with the naked eye. It's also written in cursive and many of the words are in French to make you feel stupid.
And here comes my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to take away two plates on your table that we apparently put there for no reason whatsoever. OK then!
Now let me put this thick book full of wine names also mostly spelled in French on the table right in the most inconvenient place. I'll stand it up so that you have a better chance of accidentally knocking it down later.
Even though every single person in the history of time has said Yes to this question, I'm going to ask you anyway: Would you like some water? Yes? Great, now let me make you say, out loud, how cheap you are by offering you the opportunity to pay for a bottle of water instead of tap. Tap? I'm going to give you a little half smile now and say that things are "very good," even though you've just had to admit, in front of your date, that she's not special enough for a bottle of water.
Now I will leave you here for 15 minutes, during which time I will go stand by the ordering terminal looking at little scraps of paper in my apron. Don't worry, I won't make eye contact with you no matter how much you try to get my attention.
Goodbye for now.
No? The Specials don't appeal to you? That's fine. Order off the regular menu like the coward you are.
Let me start by taking the lady's order. Oh, you need just one more second? Well let me try to get away while I can and leave you sitting here for another 15 minutes. Ah, she's ready. Foiled again. She'll have the pork. Allow me to say "Excellent choice," which I would have said if you ordered a bag of cold dog shit instead. And for the gentleman? The swordfish. I will also pretend that this is an excellent choice even though we both know you only ordered it because it was one of the few words in English on the menu.
Let me just take away two forks and one knife from each of your place settings for no reason.
Now I will disappear for half an hour.
You will never see me again.
Now I am legally required to ask you if you would like my Mute Immigrant Sidekick to crack pepper all over your food. Yes? Wonderful, enjoy your meal enough to tip me well!
Still standing here.
I can do this all night.
No dessert? I'm going to act like it's weird not to end a meal with a $35 cheesecake. I suppose you'd like your check now, yes? OK, I'll be back in 20 minutes with it.
Have a great night, please dine at Expensive Restaurant again.
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