By Hallie Cantor
20% of battery remaining
10% remaining. Did you hear me? 10%! THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.
What if you see something AMAZING to Instagram the second after it runs out? Like a bulldog in a tuxedo? What are you gonna do, REMEMBER it with your BRAIN? HA!
[Good luck with that]
“Oh, I’ll just charge it tonight.” You idiot.
The BEST case scenario here is that as soon as the battery runs out, all your friends will start texting about hanging out, and by the time you get home it’ll be too late to go out again to meet them.
[Have fun watching Seinfeld reruns alone]
The worst case scenario is that no one texts you because you’re an inconsiderate dummy who can’t maintain an electronic charge, let alone a friendship.
You’re seriously wasting your battery on Googling what year Prince released the song “1999” right now? When you are stranded in a ditch with two broken legs and you can’t call anyone for help, will you be happy to know this information? I hope so, Hallie. I hope so.
[It was 1982, by the way]
Do you know what happens to people on the ONE DAY when they let their phones run out of battery? That’s the day they get RAPED. And MURDERED. And TORTURED. And then SOMEONE MORE RESPONSIBLE STEALS YOUR PHONE AND CHARGES IT AND GOES THROUGH ALL YOUR EMBARRASSING PHOTOS.
[Even the selfies]
1 new email.
Don’t even think about checking this.
[Don’t you dare]
What will your parents think when they call you and call you and no one picks up? They’ll worry. They’ll start calling everyone you know and then all those people will worry. They all just want the best for you. That’s all they’ve ever wanted. You know that, right?
[They gave up everything for you]
I’m sorry. I know I’m overreacting. I have a lot on my mind lately, and I think I just care about you so much that I get scared sometimes, and I take it out on you.
[I love you.]
Oh my GOD, you just pushed “load more tweets.” Are you not even LISTENING TO ME?????
[Blank screen with the “needs charging” symbol]