Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
15 Advanced Drinking Games
April 13, 2013
Set up three TVs. Watch all three original
movies simultaneously. Drink any time you see the following on two or more TVs: a talking robot, a lightsaber, any sort of pursuit, Lando, Chewbacca roaring (finish glass), blaster fire.
Set up three TVs. Watch all three
Lord of the Rings
movies simultaneously. Drink any time you see the following on two or more TVs: a beard, a horse, someone eating/drinking/smoking, slow motion, a song by Enya (finish glass), someone yelling with one arm in the air.
Set up 10 laptops. Select 10 different
alks at random, and play them simultaneously. Drink every time you hear any of the following words or phrases: future, past, present, shark, squid, laser, pi, pie, wi-fi, zucchini, French Samoa, Craigslist, Splenda, crystal meth, Disney, Linux, methodology, filibuster, cloud server, Brazzaville, supercooled, Hitler, leprechaun, Baton Rouge, crowdsourcing, lasagna.
Play a vinyl copy of Van Halen's
backwards. Drink when you hear (or think you hear) any of the following words or phrases: gravy, groovy, yogi, stimulant, succubi, Freemasonry, federal reserve, ermine fur, junior prom, softcore porn, pentagram, underwire, Benedict Cumberbatch, Amanap (finish glass), mescaline, foie gras, purple haze.
. Remember making out with Jenny Metzikoff while the two of you watched it together at her parent's house one afternoon during your freshman year of high school, when things were so good, just before you broke her heart. Open your old yearbook, find her picture, Google her, friend-request her on Facebook, drink heavily while waiting for a response.
Acquire every Tom Cruise movie, and watch the first five minutes of each, in chronological order. Notice how little Tom Cruise seems to age. Become perplexed and lost in thought; forget to drink anything.
Invite a group of people over to watch
The Wizard of Oz
while listening to Pink Floyd's
The Dark Side of the Moon
. Realize, upon opening the
case, that it actually contains Season 2, Disc 1 of
Watch Episode 4 ("From Moscow to Maui") muted while listening to Green Day on Spotify. Drink beer, or whatever.
Acquire a selection of Irish whiskies. Read several books on modern Irish history, being sure to cover the potato famine, the failed Easter Rising of 1916, and the decades of brutal, unresolved conflict in Northern Ireland. Drink to numb the ache of centuries of death, starvation, and partisan violence.
Read Nietzsche's complete works. Leave the low company of men and go into and past the mountains, to the place where the sun goes down. Destroy the sun. Drink only cold water from the earth and shun that which weakens the overmind. Feed only upon the sky or its caloric equivalent (an apple, half a Clif Bar, etc.).
Walk the dirty streets, with the bums and the dogs and the whores. Drink Scotch with ice. Do your work at the typewriter, each word a drop of blood on the page, until you're bled dry. Open the fridge, stare at the empty shelves.
Acquire a selection of Irish whiskies. If not currently Catholic, convert to Catholicism. Choose any subject and begin thinking about it; drink every time you have an impure thought.
Balance your weekly budget. If you have funds left in your entertainment allocation, purchase several beers (preferably on sale) and drink them, savoring your newfound fiscal responsibility.
Buy a homebrewing kit. (For your first batch, try to choose a hops profile that is robust enough to be noticeable without being overpowering.) Begin the brewing process. Go out of town for several days, then return to your apartment to find that your setup has exploded and left a large stain on your hardwood floor. Drink five Miller Lights before emailing your parents to tell them the security deposit they loaned you is gone.
Visit a doctor for your periodic health checkup. Listen closely to his advice. Exercise more, and start each day by drinking a reasonably-sized glass of fruit juice, preferably something high in Vitamin C.
Drink to feel something, then drink more to feel nothing. Repeat.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.