Dear People Who Write Open Letters on the Internet,

Stop. Shut up. You aren't charming and I hate you.

Let's start with the obvious. Most people will agree that the most annoying thing about your open letters is the gall of your presumption that everyone reading is automatically in total agreement with you. Like just because they stumbled upon something you wrote on a website, they're gonna back up your obnoxious opinions! It's ridiculous, right?


And let's not forget the sheer audacity of expecting that people looove your glorious prose so much that they'd be honored to read something you write that isn't even directed at them. I bet you use really poetic language too. Yes, we're all clamoring for the chance to push our metaphorical glass against the wall of your mind to listen in on the glistening brain nuggets you dole out into our outstretched beggar's hands. Pathetic.


Oh, and that's another thing- you always act like you're just remembering additional complaints in the middle of your letter, instead of carefully planning when to deploy them. REAL BELIEVABLE.


Which reminds me, that's another thing that's terrible about open letters: something about the form seems to invite you, the author, to just toss around caps lock willy-nilly as if the reader is already sympathetic to whatever stupidly emotional thing you're feeling in the moment. I hate it! FUCK CAPS LOCK!!


But of course, of course, we shouldn't judge your rhetoric too harshly, because in the end, you're "just sayin'." Like the modern equivalent of "no offense" preceding an incredibly offensive comment, "just sayin'" is a feeble, last-ditch attempt to divorce you from any responsibility for your own words, a desperate flight from accountability. Just sayin'? Sorry if this is too "real" for you, but I'm throwing it out there: I'M just sayin', "shut the fuck up."


Ultimately, what's really annoying about your open letter is that you're putting on a performance designed to make other people think that you're brave and incisive and sassy, but without the risk of actually BEING brave by complaining about someone to their face. Your whining is ineffective and pointless because you aren't really talking to the "you" in your letter. Instead, you're preaching to the safe little choir of readers who you know will back you up and validate your stupid feelings. Anyway, Like this if you agree!


Love,

Hallie