Welcome to Roommate Confessions, the column where we share the worst stuff you've done to your roommate. If you think you can top these stories, confess your sins at the bottom of this page.

The Gorilla in Booty Shorts - Image 3

You like to drink so much you piss all over the bathroom floor, huh? I wonder how long it will take you to realize the smell of piss on your bath towels.- Anonymous

So my roommate was the dirtiest, fattest slob on the planet. He would always go to the frat he was pledging and drink his weight in alcohol (well over 300 lbs). There were multiple times when he would come back to the room completely trashed and stoned and pass out. A few times some guys on my floor and I would draw on his face in sharpie. Too bad he was so greasy that he would wipe it off in the morning without the use of water or soap. To get him back for all the puke and piss on my carpet, I would steal his change from the desk. Thanks to his sloppiness I didnt pay a dime for laundry the entire semester.- Anonymous

One night completely wasted, my boyfriend and I got back to my dorm room and my roommate was there kind of sleeping but I believe we woke her up when we came in. We got into bed and were ready to go to sleep, until we both started getting really horny…… We ended up having sex, I fell out of the bed (its only a twin) during, and definitely could have been quieter. I convinced myself she was asleep, but the next morning I felt like an idiot because she definitely wasn't…. She didn't talk to me all the next day. Sad thing, I didn't learn my lesson, I still have sex while she is sleeping…. sorry.- Anonymous

There was a guy who lived across the hall from our room freshman year, dude was a dumbass and annoying as hell. One night my roommate got really high and ended up puking all over his bed. We broke into this other guy's room and switched the mattress for his with the puke side facing down. The guy spent the rest of the semester complaining how his roommate's feet smelled. He was convinced that it was 'cause his roommate ate smelly food all the time.- Anonymous

Normally I like to hear music, I'm a fan. But that shitty god awful rap music that you blast on your speaker system in the wee hours of the morning just doesn't bode well in this thin walled dorm. So, I took my Astroglide and poured it all over your doorknob and dumped some water bottles in your bed with chocolate protein mix in them. Diarrhea shit stains much?- Anonymous

I did all of this to one stupid, stinky, lazy, clueless waste of space: This guy was taking a culinary course so of course he thought he was a master chef but I couldn't stand his cooking, so I would pour large amounts of salt into his left overs he had due to him being the only one eating his food because it was so bad. That was the nicest thing. He had the top bunk and would snore at night so I would get up and punch him in the stomach when it became too much and I would try to fall asleep in that window of silence. When he came back from break he flooded the toilet with piss and shit water only to put a bunch of towels down, go to sleep, and get up to not shower and leave early the next day leaving me with the stinky mess of his waste. I took all of those towels and let them soak in his bed due to me sleeping on the couch at that point and then I put them in a garbage bag and put it in his closet for him to take car of. I put his shaving gel all over him and his computer which in turn ruined his flat screen monitor with a large streak across it. I took a cup of pee and dumped it on his bed. When his girlfriend found out he was cheating he started crying in front of everyone because he realized he wasn't such a badass after all, I made sure to bring that up whenever he was flirting with other girls. But when I finally moved out on my last trip to get the last of my stuff I stole his Metal Gear Solid 3 game and took a massive stinky sticky dump in his clean clothes basket and left the toilet tissue I wiped with in there with the poo. After a bit I remembered his mother did his laundry for him when he went back home each month so I kinda felt bad but then laughed because I knew he probably didn't smell it due to his terrible BO. This guy was an idiot and I do not feel bad at all for 'secretly' doing terrible things to him. He likes dane cook and fall out boy, only think is he pronounces them dan cook and fall out boys. Seriously it feels good letting all of this out.- Anonymous

A few years back I had a female room mate that was a total attention whore. She always dressed and bought the most expensive clothing/accessories but she was a total slob. She had the biggest room in the house because daddy owned it and covered it with clothes she never wore or washed. I didn't care much about it but it got into the common area. She would leave dishes, clothes, trash all over the house and refused to clean it. I would scrub the kitchen spotless and the very same afternoon, she would "cook" and get shit everywhere. I'm normally a nice guy but she made a point to tell me everything I did wrong with my life and call me and my brother (another roomie) idiots. So one night I wiped my ass with her tooth brush and my brother peed in her laundry detergent. We put things back in such a way that we would know when she used them. It took 2 weeks for the laundry to get used and 3 weeks for her to brush her teeth next. I don't know whats worse, her brushing her teeth with my ass or the fact that her mouth was still probably cleaner after.- Anonymous

Leslie, we all know you're a bitch. It's hard to figure out what got to me more: the fact that you talk shit about your own friends and sorority sisters behind their back non-stop; how you look like Magilla Gorilla but insist on running around in booty shorts and a camisole; that you'd choose to conveniently walk in whenever your roommate and I fooling around, or just the fact that you're a total slob that tries to get out of cleaning and paying for stuff. After putting up with your bullshit over the course of more than 3 years, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Ever wonder why your hair has been so shiny lately? Have your teeth been whiter than normal? If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone has been adding a little something special to all your shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and other toiletries for the past 5 months. Hand-made of course. Don't ever try fucking with my relationships again or I'll make sure your fiance finds out how much of a whore you were. And Joey, since I know you're going to read this, why the hell would you want to get married to someone that has bigger shoulders than Brian Urlacher!? I think you've let your pity fuck get out of hand my friend.- Anonymous

Chris and Frank, remember when the Harrisonburg Police Department came and visited you right after Joe and I moved out? During the many police reports I filed for repeated break-in's and burglaries of my room, I may have mentioned that you sell weed and Frank is a kleptomaniac that had half of GNC in his closet from all the times he stole from there. That's what you get for 5 months of repeated theft, allowing your shady Culpeper "homies" to stay over and eat all the food, and being an all around tool-bag, "cuz".- Anonymous