Friends: They're always inviting you to their stupid shit. Birthday drinks, improv shows, parties that aren't within 200 feet of your bed -- you name it! Fortunately, when it's cold and terrible outside during winter, it's easy to skip this shit, because you can just text your friend "sorry, it sucks outside" and miss their thing and they have to be cool with it because they'd totally skip your thing too if the situation were reversed.

When it's NICE outside, however, skipping your friends' shit becomes much more difficult. So difficult, in fact, that many people simply give up and actually attend the shit. This is a classic amateur mistake, and one that, after reading this post, you'll never have to make again! Here are 8 Surefire Ways To Skip Your Friends' Stupid Shit Now That It's Nice Out:

 

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Arrrggghh! Stupid last-minute work thing! Sorry, friendy ol pal, I gotta stay late in the office to finish this big annoying presentation while I eat Chinese food out of a carton in a dark office with my dress shirt sleeves rolled up slightly. Dang this job to heck!

Yes, my job is interning twice a week for a web startup that's designing two apps that are already redundant, but emergency last-minute stuff comes up all the time. My boss is such a Samantha! Ahh crap, gotta go do more WORK STUFF, a clerk just came by and dropped a HUGE stack of papers on my "To Do" pile that now comically dwarfs my "Done" pile.

Have a good three-person improv show at the theater inside the Check Cashing place! Text me if the Gay Obama character makes an appearance!

 

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Sorry I have to bail on your thing last-minute, but my girlfriend isn't feeling great, so I better stay in so I can bring her chicken soup and ginger ale and put that little "I'm sick" heating pad on her head and a thermometer in her mouth while she frowns and shrugs. Now just text me "Man, everyone's been getting sick lately - hope he/she feels better!" to properly balance out the small talk universe, and let's both get on with our dumb lives.

Don't worry, she's not "sick" sick, I'm just passing the buck because you don't know her well enough to shame-text her, plus this makes me look like a valiant boyfriend-knight who's willing to sacrifice my LIFE (missing your 14-person birthday dinner at a restaurant that somehow only serves slightly-too-loud music) for the health of my Beloved (meaning, we're gonna order food and make fun of ugly couples on House Hunters). Classic win-win.

 

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It's not that I like this other friend more than you, it's just, they live in North Carolina because of their job I don't totally understand (they work for a bank but not like, FOR a bank, y'know?), so I have to hang out with them tonight. Sorry! They're only in town for 13 total minutes starting thirty seconds from now, so I promised I'd meet them at the Au Bon Pain in the airport to look at some croissants before they get right back on another plane and head home.

Good luck with your band show, though! I didn't know the Cuban restaurant on 7th had shows in their entryway, but hopefully you'll get some foot traffic at 11 pm on a Tuesday!

 

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AWWWWW MAN, I wish I'd known about your thing sooner, I totally would've come! I already told this guy I work with I'd stop by his work drinks thing, and I can't bail now, cause my boss will be there, and you know how edgy Mr. Flendelson has been ever since he came over for dinner and I dropped that roast on his wife as part of some elaborate lie.

I cannot stress enough that this other thing I'm going to will be WAY LESS FUN than your completely identical Happy Hour thing, so please enjoy your thing with the knowledge that wherever I am, I am currently not having that much fun. (For the record, "where I am" is at home, because I told my work friend I couldn't make his thing because of your thing, then skipped both, cuz' I'm a friggin PRO.)

 

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Crap, I'm sorry -- as much as I'd love to go do Karaoke at 4:30 pm on a Sunday, my parents are coming to visit, so I'm kinda tied up all weekend. They're arriving in three weeks, but I have to get all the 'parents coming over stuff ready, y'know? Gotta buy toilet paper, flip to my tv to Seabiscuit, parent-proof my electrical sockets -- it's all super time consuming, but necessary.

Parents truly just do not understand! Do me a favor and sing "Like A Prayer" 11 times in 14 minutes!

 

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Ohhh noooo I didn't even realize your sketch show was tonight!!! Your invite says 9:00, but did you guys go on yet? Ahh, it's 4:30 am, so you probably did. It's not some 48-hour round-the-clock telethon that was running way behind on time, was it? Because if it had been, I was definitely gonna hop in a cab immediately to catch your set.

Sorry though! Hopefully we run into each other at a party soon so I can ask you how the show went and you can say "really good actually", but until then, I'll just indiscriminately "Like" your next five Facebook statuses so we're cool. WHOOPS one of them was a pic of your girlfriend at the beach so now I'm avoiding you for the rest of both of our lives sorrrrrrryyyy!

 

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Sorry I can't go to your Man Men watching party where everyone's bringing a character-themed drink, I'm actually having people over to MY place Sunday and everyone's bringing a Mad Men themed food item. I'm making Peggies In A Blanket and Roger Sterling Campbell's Soup (get it, instead of Pete? The obvious one??)

I also don't live in San Francisco, like 900 of the 1100 Facebook friends you aimlessly invited, so that's also a factor. Hope you're not MAD, man! Hahahaha seriously stop inviting everyone to everything.

 

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I've just been so busy lately and I'm gonna have to miss your thing! No I can't specify in what way I am busy. I mean, I COULD, I'm just so busy I don't have any time to explain. Like a friggin busy bee over here! BZZZZZ! That was the sound I'd make if I were an animal because I'd be a bee. How do I have the time to launch into this long weird bee explanation if I'm so busy, you ask? That's yet another question I can't answer because I'm too bus'. That's short for busy cause I don't have time to type it out alright gtg have a good circlejerk or birthday drinks or whatever, I only skimmed the invite!!

In Conclusion: Just follow these seven simple steps and soon, your friends will stop inviting you to their dumb shit! Or, better yet, stop talking to you altogether. And when that happens, I'll be right here on my couch, eating Thai food off Seamless and missing my best friend's stupid-ass wedding, for you to come up to me and say "Thank you."
(Pics via Shutterstock)