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By Caldwell Tanner
PET CARE MANUAL FOR YOUR DRUNKEN FRIEND Cover Image: An 80’s style Illustration of a dude who looks upset because his slobbery, drunk friend has just puked in his lap. Getting Started So it looks like you’ve agreed to do your bro a solid and adopt a newly drunken friend. Congratulations! Caring for a drunk is neither challenging, nor rewarding, but it’s a burden you’ve been saddled with by your shitty friends, nonetheless. So without further ado, let’s f*cking get this over with! Image: A dude steering his drunk friend who is double-fisting and wildly pointing at absolutely nothing. Walking Your Drunk Nothing is more important to your drunk than just wandering around outside for an extended period of time to “clear their head” or whatever; and it’s up to you to keep them from choking on their own vomit and ending up in a storm sewer. Here’s what to look out for when taking your drunk for a stroll. Image: Two drunks attempting to hit each other but missing, both friends are facepalming. Aggressive Behavior - If you encounter other drunks while walking, your drunk may attempt to frighten them by barking loud slurs and wildly punching the air. Don’t worry! Drunks are naturally territorial, but will chill the fuck out if you tell them to. Use these techniques to keep your drunk under control - Grab their collar and say “NO.” - Tell them repeatedly that “It’s not worth it, dude!” - Launch a successful underground Drunk Fight League. Profit. Encountering the Opposite Sex - Your drunk may attempt to mount a conversation with any and all girls he sees. You can curb this behavior by using a simple reward system like so. Image: Guy pointing at his drunk friend, drunk friend looks super excited. Guy: If you quit hitting on girls I’ll drive you to get food, cool? Feeding Your drunk needs a balanced diet of fried food, water, and a few of those 7-day old chicken wings in the back of the fridge to help keep him happy and your car puke-free. Here’s a helpful list of what “people foods” your drunk can and can’t have! Image: Drunk guy at a Denny’s sloppily eating spaghetti with his hands while laying down in the booth. His friend looks back nervously. Okay! - Taco Bell - What about Burger King - Okay, how about McDonald’s - No dude the the good Wendy’s closes at 9. - Just pick somewhere else, come on dude I’m hungry. - Nah, I just had Wendy’s. - I could do Denny’s. No Good! - Ketchup Packets - My Food - Other Customer's Leftovers - Oh god where'd you get that chocolate - Is that from the floor of my car - Come on man don't eat that. - Gross. Housebreaking With training, a Drunk can be taught to live inside, but it takes work. Drunks are stupid and have apparently never heard of a fucking toilet in their entire goddamn life, so you’ll need to use tough love to teach them a lesson from time to time! Here’s a step-by-step guide: Image: A drunk peeing on a wall. Their friend looks super pissed and worn-out. 1. Catch them in the act. 2. Rub their nose in it-oh shit he passed out. 3. Well I guess their nose is...already in it. 4. Maybe you should move him before he - 5. Yep, he puked. Geez. 6. Gross. Just fucking put a blanket over him. Playing with your Drunk Caring for a drunk takes lot of time and attention, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun while doing it! Here’s some neat tricks that’ll keep you and your drunk entertained year round! 1. Playing Dead - Your hand drawing a huge dick and the words ‘SUCK IT DOUG’ on your friend’s face. 2. Rolling Over - Split-panel: People rolling over a drunk, then stacking shit on top of him. 3. Shaking Hands - Drunk being duct-taped to a wall. Someone is taking a picture of you shaking his hand. Best of luck! And always remember, he would have done the same thing to you if you were black-out, so make his drunk ass pay! Image: A photo of the dude tea-bagging the now-defaced drunk. End