1. Comfort Wipe
"Being a big guy has it's advantages. And it's disadvantages." This commercial is gross for the obvious reason it wants to sell you a product that lets you wipe you asshole if you can't reach (or don't feel like reaching). But, in case you didn't get the picture, it also forces you to listen to a random dude tell you about the bowel movements he can't reach because he's too "big" or "they" are too big, or something else I don't want to hear about, ever, thanks.
2. Rollie Eggmaster
I'm sorry, but this is your solution to messy eggs? Are eggs notoriously hard to eat? I mean, they are already super soft, why do they need to rolled into a spongey tube? This seems like how the '80s envisioned "future food" listless, jiggly, cylindrical eggs. Just make your breakfast in a pan like a normal person.
3. The Potty Putter
This is a seriously confusing commercial. Are they being serious? Do they really think that you can improve your putting by practicing while taking a dump? And even if it IS a novelty, that still leaves room for the possibility that someone is going to buy this and set it up every time they take a shit. It's one of those things that if you walked into a friend's place and they had it, you'd judge them for both their bad humor and their inability to take a shit like an adult.
4. The Better Marriage Blanket
I really hope that if you need a blanket that's made out of the same fabric the military uses to protect themselves against chemical weapons, that you've consulted a doctor about your potentially deadly farts. Also, definitely gross. If waking up in the middle of the night because the bed smells like farts has become problematic, it may be time to reconsider your life. Or at least your diet.
Yeah, stabbing your ears with q-tips are bad. But, I mean, I also don't want to vacuum my ear either. It's kinda like picking the lesser of two evils: something that can rupture your eardrum if you stick it in too far, or this weird contraption that hums in your ear and sucks out whatever is inside your head like a face hugger. Imagine walking in on someone doing this. At first you'd be like, "Okay this is strange," but then when they dump out the fucking disgusting residue they've collected inside you'd be more like, "I'll take my chances with the Q-tips. Maybe going deaf isn't that bad."
6. The Double Chin Toner
So you get this product in hopes of reversing the aging process that literally makes your muscles spasm. The whole commercial just shoves drooping chin skin in your face while telling you that this is totally going to work. And all the while you can just see the skin twitching on these poor people's necks from the constant flow of electric shocks.
7. Doc Bottoms Aspray AllOver Body Deodorant
First of all, referring to anything as "beastly butt odor" is kind of the worst. And then the animation. And then this whole commercial in general. I feel so sad for the person who smells so badly that they need just a general "all over deodorant". It's like they can't even identify which part of their body is actually emitting odor, so they just sort of spray it everywhere.
8. The Uroclub
Seriously, just what the fuck? Just, so many whats and whys need to be answered. Someone actually thought this product was a good idea? How many people need to pee in the golf course bushes that this product is relevant? Is this a club that you PLAY with, despite it being filled with piss? The questions are infinite. And even though they provide a towel so you appear to be innocuously cleaning your club instead of PEEING IN PUBLIC or possibly SOMETHING ELSE, it's not like it's the most inconspicuous thing ever created. This product reeks of, well, piss, and a poor sense of everything.