Pairing food and spirits isn't just for rich snobs and reality cooking competitions. Any broke college student can make a delicious five-course meal paired with some wonderful, innovative beverages. The following is a template loaded with fun possibilities. Adjust to fit your own tastes.
Course #1Kraft Single(s)
The best way to start an extravagant meal such as this is with a little something to warm up the stomach. A pre-appetizer (or, as the French call it, an "amuse-bouche") is a great way to excite the taste buds and is also a great way to remind yourself that you have only tiny portions of food in your possession.
Kraft Singles are neither overwhelming to the palate nor are they technically food, which makes them a truly fancy hors d'oeuvre. This mild cheese product that you "borrowed" from your roommate's side of the fridge will prepare your stomach for the bounty to come. And the sticky, grimy texture provides a nice challenge for even the most dismissive tongue!
Pairs Well With:You'll want to pair this food stuff with something that really coats the tongue; preferably something that feels like honey but tastes like a bumblebee. Milwaukee's Best Light is the perfect aperitif, providing the subtle notes of gun metal and hobo sweat you've come to expect of the brand, but without all those filling calories. Remember, this is a 5-course dinner, so you'll want to sip that demon swill, not chug.
Remember the half of that Bagel Bite that fell behind the couch that one night after the really awesome toga party where you could've banged the hottie with all those piercings and the Scooby-Doo tattoo if you hadn't thrown up in her ear so you instead went home and masturbated to a Boy Meets World rerun while eating Bagel Bites? Go get that. Now eat it and think of the mistakes you made that night. Learn from them!
Pairs Well With:But while you're learning, why not enjoy a refreshing palate cleanser? Any of those heffeweizen or lemon shandys you have in your fridge would pair nicely. Ha ha, just kidding, of course, You don't have anything like that in your fridge. But why not pop open another Milwaukee's Best Light and try adding a few squeezes of fresh lemon juice? Ha! Because you don't have that either! But a few drops of that rancid orange juice that came with your Craiglist-purchased mini-fridge would sure give it a nice bite. This time you may want to chug.
Dare to be bold with this mix of sweet and savory. The rich, complex textures at play will provide your mouth hole with a constant riddle: "Is this part of the mushy banana? Or is this the soggy chicken skin I'm tasting?" There's virtually no difference visually, which means only the most refined taste buds will be able to tell the difference.
Pairs Well With:You'll want to pair a beverage that provides an equally confusing mouth-feel. So pour that unlabeled liter of "bourbon" your cousin gave you into a tall glass and savor the unleaded fuel scent before drinking. Aged in your sock drawer for nearly six months with a makeshift cap of rubber-banded aluminum foil, this mysterious alcohol should burn quite nicely on the way down and mask the taste of regurgitated chicken-banana bits.
The main event of your meal, these noodles are typically served piping hot in a puddle of rusty water, but for an adventurous twist, try eating them uncooked. The crunchiness is sure to quell the depression you feel about your current lot in life (and the fact that beef-flavored noodle sticks are something you'd call the "main event" of anything), and if you chomp them loud enough, the noise will drown out what you pray to God is just two people having rough sex next door.
Pairs Well With:And since you wasted your last Milwaukee's Best Light on that stupid orange juice experiment (sorry about that), you're now completely out of beer. And let's be honest, you probably drank that whole liter of mystery fluid, too. So help yourself to one of the many ketchup packets you've been saving, as it's unlikely you'll eat anything that would go appropriately with ketchup for quite awhile.