1. The Buoyant Buster
Oh, happy day! Everything is perfect, mother! Every single second was EXACTLY like I hoped it would be, and I feel EXACTLY how I made up my mind I would months ago! Flaws be damned! All the callbacks, all the guest stars, all the returning characters?! It was all great (I think), but I don't actually care because I am just so HAPPY! I feel so affirmed in my pop culture savviness! Oh me oh my! Wowee. They really deserve a hand.
2. The Dejected George-Michael
I should have seen this coming. I waited years and years for my love, my motivation, my only friend, Arrested Development, to return to me. But after all that, after so many hours, days, months of replaying old episodes and fantasizing over the joyful new experiences to come it's just not the same. I feel sad, rejected, betrayed. It's gone. Forever. I mean, what more is there to look forward to? If you need me, I'll be in my room, watching Freaks & Geeks and ignoring innumerable real global tragedies.
3. The Sickening Surrogate
Me? Oh, I'm just watching every episode right now so you don't have to. Yeah, I'm basically going to get on Facebook and post every goddamn joke I like right as I goddamn hear it. Why? Because I don't goddamn care about your goddamn viewing experience. Wait, what? You're pissed? Huh. That's weird. Look, you're going to love it. Especially when [goddamn spoiler].
4. The Cagey George Senior
SHH SHH SHH. NO. SHUT UP. DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TALK ABOUT IT. I AM STUCK VISITING FAMILY FOR MEMORIAL DAY, SO I CANNOT INTERACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD AT ALL RIGHT NOW. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! IF I DON'T WATCH ALL OF THESE AT ONCE, I WILL SEE SPOILERS, AND I WILL SEE JOKES, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED, AND I WILL DIE ALONE. SO. SEE YOU IN A WEEK WHEN I HAVE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE SIX TIMES AND REMEMBER EVERY LINE AND AM SUPERIOR TO YOU IN MY FANDOM FOREVER AND THUS WIN AT LIFE.
5. The Elite Lucille
Oh, great. Look at you all, so excited about your favorite sitcom coming back. Me too! Just one quick question: where were you on November 2, 2003? Because I have a feeling I already know the answer, and I have a feeling it was NOT in front of your TV, watching the show's PREMIERE and supporting it from the GET-GO every SINGLE week, like guess who? Me. Am I right? Huh, well isn't that interesting. No, please. Enjoy. Really. You deserve it, being such a die-hard fan and all. Toodle-doo.
6. The Steamed Up Steve Holt
OVER THE TOP, SOMEWHAT ARBITRARY EXCITEMENT!!!! HELL FRICKIN' YEAH I'LL GET BEHIND THIS!!!!! GODDAMN IT I LOVE REUNIONS!!!!! JUST THE IDEA OF THAT IS SO AWESOME!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS SHOW IS BUT I DON'T CARE!!!!!! LET'S HAVE VIEWING PARTIES AND SHIT!!!! IMA MAKE SNACKS!!!! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING???? LET'S HANG OUT AND WATCH ARRESTED!!!!! DUDES, RESPOND TO MY TEXTS!!!! COME ON!!!!! I WILL NOT WATCH THIS ALONE!!!!!!!
7. The Neutral Michael
Arrested Development .? OOOOOOH. Yeeeeeah. THAT show. Sure. I watched it. Back in the day. Uh huh. Checked out the new episodes a little bit here and there too. Funny, I guess. I mean, no offense, but like a little plain? I just we think we deserve a bit more, do you know what I mean? It's cute. Yeah. I don't know, I guess I'm just not a real fan. But go ahead. Knock yourself out.
8. The Show-Off Gob
Gather round, internet. Because right now, before your very eyes, I will spew out paragraphs upon paragraphs of my personal reflections, impressions, and intellectual interpretations of these fascinating new episodes. I will delve into the evolution of comedic tastes, Netflix's role in the ever-changing landscape of internet media, and Lena Dunham. You will be enthralled, impressed, and dazzled by my brilliant, piercing liberal arts interpretation of a fun, pretty cool TV show. It may not go as planned, and hell, you may be more annoyed than entertained, but guess what I don't care, because I find myself very impressive. Now someone please give me a job.
9. The Blue Tobias
My goodness! What a terrible idea! Have I seen an episode? No. Will I? No. But boy, they totally blue it. This is a vague principle I have, and doggone it, I'm sticking to it! Really, now. They've made a huge mistake.