Template for Any Networking Letter

Dear (INSERT PERSON'S NAME HERE),

I'm writing because I recently (GRADUATED/MOVED/AWOKE FROM AN EXTENDED COMA WITH NO RECOLLECTION OF MY PAST LIFE) and I'd like you to put me into some networks. Preferably the best networks.

I'm guessing you'll want to know a little about me, eh? Let's see, I'm pretty (NORMAL/EXTRAORDINARY). I like watching dogs. Well, not all dogs—some dogs I really do not like to watch. Please note: I said that I like watching (some) dogs; I do not like walking dogs or playing with dogs or feeding dogs or bathing dogs. I've learned the hard way that I need to be clear about this up front, (NAME).

What else? If you happen to know any TV people, maybe you could ask them if I can join their networks. If there are any prerequisites or whatever, you can mention that I consider myself to be pretty good at TV. Like, sometimes I'll be watching TV and I can just tell what's going to happen. I'll think, "The one on the (LEFT/RIGHT) is going to do something next," and sure enough—at least half the time I'm right on the money. So maybe find a way to bring that up.

Other than that, I once watched all five seasons of "Lost" in one night—which I think is literally impossible but I did it anyway. I'm a fan of (FAVORITE 90'S-ERA WWF WRESTLER) and I enjoy anybody who has a network for me to join. I used to be in a band with a guy who has (INSERT A DEGENERATIVE NEUROLOGICAL DISEASE). I like (BIG/SMALL/SAD) houses and the smell skunks get right after they get run over. I can eat a lot of cheese without gaining much weight. One time in high school, I smoked too much (INSERT DRUG) and when I looked in the mirror I saw my (MOM/TURTLE/DESTINY) in the reflection and freaked out. After that, I had to go see a therapist for like a year. His name was Dr. Pete. I think he had a sand garden in his office. Is any of this helpful?

I'm assuming that if you are able to network me, you'll want something in return. Don't think I haven't thought about that! The only thing is, I'm not currently in any networks—or, at least, I don't think I am. (Question: How do you know if you're in a network? Is it just a "you'll know it when you're in one" kind of a thing? Or is there paperwork involved?) That being said, I would definitely be happy to help you with any chores that you need done, like if you need someone to pick up your laundry or watch your dog.

What do we do now? Am I networking yet?

(YOUR NAME)