Okay, so someone is doing something that angers you. Us "normals," may have no choice but to kill them, but if you're a person that gets paid millions to participate in an activity many of us love to watch, you have a few more options.

1. Play the sport you get paid to play.

Practice makes perfect and, most importantly, you not shoot someone.

2. Have sex with beautiful people.

You know who attractive men and women don't want to sleep with? Murderers. Fine, bad example, but you don't have to kill someone to get their attention. You're already the boneworthy combo of visible and wanted to be seen.

3. Buy a new car.

Yeah, driving is dangerous, but not "pointing a gun at someone" dangerous.

4. Buy an old car.

It's the closest you can get to driving in the past, because you can never go back to the past—even if you commit homicide and really, really want to.

5. Buy another new car.

Although the basis of a hollow existence, it's still better to keep up with the Joneses than bury them.

6. Endorse something to pay for those cars.

Nothing's free. Except for court-appointed defenders, and that's not always the case.

7. Have sex with more beautiful people.

It's not like you don't have the stamina.

8. Take on a side project.

No, we won't listen to your rap album or wear items from your line of luxury tank tops and cargo shorts, but that still beats figuring out how to brew your own blend of toilet sangria.

9. Make someone in your entourage do it.


10. Find God and shove it in everyone's face.


Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.