The government has been less than graceful in the past few weeks. But hey! Here's an idea! Let's count our blessings, it could be a lot worse! For instance, an ordinary guy like me could be in charge. Here's a look at my official itinerary for a day in the life of me as president.
8:00AM - Give congress a piece of my mind
WE DESERVE BETTER! We have spent TOO LONG waiting for change. First thing on my list, bust into the Congress house and let them know that the jig is up. Just kidding. I don't know what congress does.
8:00AM - Google what congress does/where it is
Honestly, if I were president for a day, I'd spend a good deal of time Googling things. For instance: I don't know what this Congress business is all about. I'm not even sure if it's technically even a real physical thing. It could just be a collective noun for an abstract concept, like "zeitgeist", or "ethos".
8:45AM - Google what the senate does, which is apparently NOT the same thing as congress
You learn something new every day, and in my case, as president, I've learned that while Congress IS a real physical entity that I can show up to, it's kind of split up into "The Senate," and "The House of Representatives." It's very much an "all squares are not rectangles" situation. But see, these are things that I bet you the real president already knows and thus, another poignant reason we shouldn't be so hard on the guy.
9:30AM - Visit the subterranean bunkers and read some top secret files
Instagram all files written in "courier" font because that's retro, which is cool. Play fallout-shelter hide and seek with the secret service (I hear they're VERY good). Make shadow puppets, etc.
11:00AM - Spend some time reflecting in the presidential library
And by that I mean, sequester myself for a couple hours to cram as many episodes of The West Wing into one sitting as I can. I'm not an Aaron Sorkin fan, really, because I don't like it when characters "talk" because I have a hard time deciphering human emotions from "words", but a little exposure to the whole politics game couldn't hurt!
11:03AM - Watch 1600 Penn instead.
Okay, so The West Wing is a little above my reading-level. Whatever though, 1600 Penn is the same thing, just with Bill Pullman (who has played the President TWICE, which absolutely counts for something).
11:05AM - 12:30 PM -
As it turns out 1600 Penn is also a nudge or several above my reading-level. But I did manage to catch up on How I Met Your Mother. Good show. Great show.
12:30 PM - Fix the Economy, Fix the Debt Crisis, Fix Marriage Equality
I mean. You know... There's a lot of paperwork to sort through here, and really it's the thought that counts. And I did think about it.
12:30PM - End World Hunger
Starting with ME. Time to check out the Whitehouse foodcourt.
12:30PM - 3:00PM - Get lunch at the White House's on-site McDonald's
So the whole McDonald's in the Whitehouse thing as an old made up folk legend, which is unfortunate because that was one of the main selling points of being president. In case anyone is wondering, I was thinking of Richie Rich.
3:00PM - 4:00PM - Play with Whitehouse's human catapult, Befriend resident wacky inventor, convince him to build dog-to-english translator
Should have done some more Googling on Whitehouse amenities before I started. Again, Richie Rich, not the president.
4:00PM - Pardon Murderers
So I could study up and get laws passed the old fashioned way, but I figure it's just more effective to pardon serial killers and let them know that they owe me one. These guys are real charismatic so I'm sure if they can talk their way to new roads or switching to the metric system.
5:00PM - Keep collapsing mid-sentence/pretend to die
I won't really die though. I just want to make sure everybody's doing their job even if I'm not around. You know. Cause of taxpayers.
6:30PM - Try To Do National Treasure Stuff
If the Whitehouse doesn't have any goddamn revolving doors or secret passageways, then the pundits are right; This country is going down the drain.
8:00PM - Have a brief moment of political clarity
It will be fleeting and intangible, but for one wonderful moment, I'll mentally conjure a flawless political system that leaves literally every citizen happy. A combination of liberal social policy and conservative fiscal policy that enables people to pursue their dreams while keeping government infringement to a minimum, the first point of action for such a plan would be... Nope. Nope. It's gone.