Welcome to Roommate Confessions, the column where we share the worst stuff you've done to your roommate. If you think you can top these stories, confess your sins at the bottom of this page.
Mike, you were making breakfast and went to the bathroom before cooking your eggs. I hocked a loogie into your scrambled egg batter. What's grosser you eating my phlegm or leaving the pan you cooked it in sit on the stove for 2 weeks? Do your damn dishes.- Lennie D.
Remember how you told me that I couldn't use my TV, microwave or anything that made the slightest bit of noise when you slept (which was all the time)? Or do you remember how you told me that I couldn't have people over past midnight, let alone have people sleep over
including my boyfriend at the time. Well I noticed how you don't really have anything and that you like the heat and like closing the window so our room starts to smell like your nasty food. So since you don't have that many blankets, on the coldest night of winter I decided to turn off the heat and open the window all the way. See I have lots of blankets and layers that keep me warm through the night
unlike you. If you don't like the cold then don't go to a school in Minnesota!- J.O.
Hey, housemate, you know how you act like you are in middle school living at home with your mom? Well, you are an adult, so you have no excuse to never do any of the house chores, such as washing your own dishes, throwing your bud light cans in the recycling, keeping your room from stinking up the rest of the house, cleaning up all your cigarette butts that you throw all over the lawn and the porch, turning off the fucking lights and tv when you leave a room, cleaning up the mess you make on the kitchen counter, throwing out the milk and other food you let go bad in the fridge, and more. We are sick and tired of you constantly leaving all your shit lying around the house, having to clean up after you, having to hear your blaring alarm all the time (especially annoying when it goes off several times since you don't wake up until 2 pm) and having to deal with hearing you have loud gross sex with your girlfriend (which we don't even know how you still have one) on mondays at 2 am while the rest of us are doing work and studying, 'cus it's a fucking monday. As a result of you being such an awesome housemate, one tuesday, your vodka and your mixers were still splayed out on the counter from saturday night. Tired of your shit, I grabbed your vodka bottle and put in the clearer part of my jizz, so it wouldn't be as visible in the vodka. Funny enough, friday morning of that week, the morning after your little solo pregame, I noticed the level of vodka in the bottle had gone down and saw an empty glass that smelled of a vodka mixed drink. I also noticed that the vodka in the bottle no longer had something clear floating in it. Mmmm, delicious. ps. did you share any of that vodka with your girlfriend?- Anonymous
Hey bro, remember all those times you put the heat on 80 so i woke up at 6am every other day sweat if i didnt stay up until you went to bed and turned it down then? Or the girls you brought back to your room and didn't have sex with until i clearly had brushed my teeth and shut the door to my room that shares a room with yours? Or even the times that you stayed up till 2am freestyling to random beats with your friends cheering you on when I had to work at 7am the next morning? If your toothbrush tasted weird it's because i put the bristles of it square on my butthole and clinched. I also peed on your dishes while they were drying.- Adam F.
Remember how I asked you hundreds of times to clean up after yourself, and possibly do a few chores around the apartment? Remember when you're sister came to visit one weekend and ended up having crazy sex from Friday night Sunday afternoon with my friend from high school? That was the weekend that I had asked you to do ONE LOAD of dishes because I had to work all day. Needless to say, I came home from work, sink still piled high with dishes. Your mom had delivered brownies the night before when she was driving through, homemade right? Yeah, well the reason you were so sick the next day wasn't because you "drank so much" the night before, it was because I went into the garage and scooped up rat shit pellets, then sprinkled them over your brownies. Quit being a slob.- Zack B.
I sneeze on your toothbrush every single morning. If you don't care that i'm allergic to your shit smelling soap, i don't care if you brush your teeth with my snot.- Anonymous
Three years have passed and it's time to come clean. During my last semester before transferring to PSU my roommates stopped being my friend over a petty issue with the TV I brought to school from home. Since it was the biggest TV in the house, I kept it in the living room so everyone could enjoy. I asked that everyone be careful around it since it wasn't mine, it was my brothers. After to many close calls during parties, drinking, ect. I took it to my room and kept it there. From this point on they barely talked to me, acted like total chodes, and i started to find things awry in my room (camera footage later confirmed my suspicions). I wonder if they ever noticed how I never kept my toothbrush in the bathroom. I swear I never gave your toothbrushes butt kisses after my two hour workout sessions and immediately after birthing brown bear cubs (pooing). I also swear I didn't rinse them off in your Listerine afterward to avoid you guys sensing anything. Or did I? The Listerine may have killed the germs but, nothing can kill the imagery.- M.D.
To the Alpha Pi pledge class: Remember that time we all went out to the baseball diamond for some late night calisthenics? And every time you guys rounded the bases I made you bend down and touch home plate with your hand. Well while you guys were running a big lap Greg pissed all over home plate. Then every time you bent over to touch the base after that you were rubbing your hands in urine. The face first slide I made you do at the end might have gone a little far. But nothing tops off a long night of getting hazed like slideing face first through a puddle of piss. Chin up mother fuckers.- Dan H.
I came home one day, wanting to take a shit, and found pubes on the toilet seat. I also noticed an electric razor. When I asked my roommate about this new razor, he told me "oh, that one's not for my face." So naturally I took the one that he did use to shave his face, and mowed my gouch/general pubic area with it then placed it back in its original location above the sink. next day, I saw him shaving.. it was very satisfying.-Matthew L.