By Eddie Small
Hey kids! It's time for another edition of Walter Wiseguy's Wacky Laws! Keep in mind that all of these laws ACTUALLY EXIST, so if you end up in one of these crazy places, WATCH OUT! • In CALIFORNIA, it is illegal to eat ice cream in public with a fork! • In NEBRASKA, it is against the law for a barber to shave a man's chest! • In MASSACHUSETTS, it is illegal to murder your ex-wife! • In HAWAII, it is illegal to put pennies in your ear! • In MASSACHUSETTS, the fact that you were drunk and your ex-wife was insulting your high school football career apparently does not constitute legal grounds for dismissal in a murder case! • In SOUTH CAROLINA, it is illegal to go camping in July while trying to avoid prosecution for the murder of your ex-wife even if said murder took place all the way in MASSACHUSETTS! • In IDAHO, it is legal to have sex with a potato probably! • In MASSACHUSETTS, the Dean of Harvard Law School can sue you for harassment if you set up camp outside her office and say you won't leave until she agrees to take on your case! • In MASSACHUSETTS, sending her threatening letters does not work either! • In GEORGIA, it is perfectly legal to send money to the Walter Wiseguy Defense Fund, headquartered in MASSACHUSETTS! • In MASSACHUSETTS, it is not, technically, illegal to ask your 12-year-old nephew to take the fall for the murder of your ex-wife, but your family will probably stop talking to you, even if you tell them you were joking! • But seriously, Kevin, can you help out Uncle Walt? • In SPACE, no one can hear you scream! So if you're looking for a spot to kill your ex-wife, SPACE would probably be a better choice than the living room of a well-populated town in MASSACHUSETTS! • In MASSACHUSETTS, dudes can marry other dudes, but they can't kill the person they used to be married to? Now that's just discriminatory. • In MASSACHUSETTS, your pansy court-appointed defense attorney will probably tell you not to write sentences like those last two in a syndicated column because the prosecution will use them as evidence against you in the trial! What a pansy! • In BOLIVIA, the president is willing to offer asylum to Edward Snowden but not Walter Wiseguy? Bullshit. • In MASSACHUSETTS, it is illegal to bribe a jury charged with determining whether or not you murdered your ex-wife, and it is also not a good idea to call the judge an asshole even if he really is an asshole! • In WISCONSIN, there might be weird laws about cheese or something! • In MASSACHUSETTS, a lot of things happen in jail that should probably be illegal, but no one really cares! Kind of like how your ex-wife never really cared about anything you did! 20 years of which can make normally repugnant ideas start to seem pretty reasonable! Ok, kids, there's a secret message in this last one, so pay extra close attention! • In INDIANA, it is illegal for a monkey to please, someone, show up to the Souza-Baranowski Correctional Center with a rock hammer and a Rita Hayworth poster, do not ask why, I'm counting on you smoke cigarettes! WHAT?!