The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. Them

    Oh, man, I had the weirdest dream last night.

  2. You

    All dreams are weird.

  3. Them

    But mine was PARTICULARLY weird.

  4. You

    Cool, probably not. Hey, what do you think about anything else? That's probably a fun thing to talk about.

  5. Them

    No, but, you see, in this dream we bought a Winnebago for some reason, and we were driving around the moon I guess? But it wasn't, like, our moon, just some weird moon. And I kept calling you "Dad."

  6. You

    Yep, weird. Predictably weird.

  7. Them

    Right?

  8. You

    Except none of this happened. You are just describing a series of weird things you thought up that have no effect on anything. Are you going to that party tomorrow?

  9. Them

    Totally! So weird! Then Mila Kunis showed up, but her head was a football?

  10. You

    Why are you so intent on talking about this?

  11. Them

    I don't know! I'm more excited about this dream than I've ever been about anything!


The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. Them

    Crazy weather we're having, huh?

  2. You

    No.

  3. Them

    I mean it's cold one day, hot the next, rainy the next. Crazy!

  4. You

    Weather is notably chaotic. That's, like, its primary defining characteristic. You expect it to be crazy.

  5. Them

    But those forecasts were completely wrong.

  6. You

    Yep. Weather is very hard to predict. Again, pretty chaotic. For thousands of years people have used weather as a metaphor for something that is unpredictably changeable.

  7. Them

    And can you believe how hot it is out there today?

  8. You

    Yes, it's summer. It's usually hot in the summer.

  9. Them

    Well, time for me to leave since the only thing we have in common is the fact that we occupy the same general geographic space.

  10. You

    Same place and time tomorrow?

  11. Them

    Same conversation.

  12. You

    Great.


The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. You

    Did you do anything fun this weekend?

  2. Them

    Eh, yeah, yeah.

  3. You

    Oh? What did you do?

  4. Them

    Fishing.

  5. You

    Oh cool, do you go fishing a lot?

  6. Them

    Nah.

  7. You

    … Did you catch anything?

  8. Them

    Yeah.

  9. You

    Awesome! What did you catch?

  10. Them

    A fish.

  11. You

    Cool.

  12. Them

    Yeah.

  13. You

  14. Them

  15. You

    … Have you ever played tennis?

  16. Them

    Yeah.

  17. You

    You know how when the ball comes at you you're supposed to hit it back?

  18. Them

    Yeah.

  19. You

    Okay, great, well, sometimes talking is like that.

  20. Them

    Ha, yeah.

  21. You

  22. Them

  23. You

    Well, goodbye forever.


The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. Them

    That's when greeeemmnnmnnnnnfelt on to mullullalull.

  2. You

    WHAT?

  3. Them

    MULLULLALULL!

  4. You

    …oh, cool, cool.

  5. Them

    Yeah, nseveshun shlmlenull something something sounds like a joke.

  6. You

    Ha ha!

  7. Them

    Borlorshun shlum?

  8. You

    Yeah! … Oh, you're waiting for an answer that isn't "yes" or "no". WHAT DID YOU SAY?

  9. Them

    Yeah, totally!

  10. You

    Hey, wait a minute… you can't hear anything I'm saying either.

  11. Them

    Oh, yeah, for sure!


The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. Them

    I wonder what all these people are in line for?

  2. You

    I don't know. Maybe some kind of concert?

  3. Them

    Ha, this is probably what hospitals will look like under Obamacare!

  4. You

    Ha, yeah, probably a concert. Man, I love concerts. What was the last one you went to?

  5. Them

    I don't remember. It's been ages. Music today is so different with all those rappers swearing and talking about "b-words" and "hoes."

  6. You

    Okay then, what do you normally listen to?

  7. Them

    Oh mostly court proceedings from the George Zimmerman trial.

  8. You

    Oh, COME ON!


The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. You

    So, what do you want to eat tonight?

  2. Them

    What do YOU want to eat tonight.

  3. You

    I don't care; that's why I asked you.

  4. Them

    I'm down for anything.

  5. You

    Okay, how about Chinese?

  6. Them

    Nah.

  7. You

    Burgers?

  8. Them

    Ehhhhhhhhhhh.

  9. You

    Pizza?

  10. Them

    Not tonight.

  11. You

    Okay, what do you want?

  12. Them

    Eh, I'm down for whatever.

  13. You

    What if I just jammed a sausage up your nose?

  14. Them

    What kind of sausage?


The 7 Worst Conversations Weve All Had
  1. You

    So I got back from the bar last night and my roommate was —

  2. Them

    Having sex?! Was he having sex with someone?!

  3. You

    Ha, no he was cooking, and I was like —

  4. Them

    "How dare you cook my food!"

  5. You

    No, no, I was like "Holy shit" because the whole room was full of —

  6. Them

    Meat?! Like a big pile of meat?

  7. You

    No, smoke. He tried to make this pizza, but the whole thing was on —

  8. Them

    Sabbatical?!

  9. You

    You thought I was about to say, "The whole pizza was on sabbatical?" That's sentence doesn't make any —

  10. Them

    Money?!

  11. You

    No! Can you please let me say what I'm going to s—

  12. Them

    Sabbatical?!

  13. You

    I fucking hate y—

  14. Them

    Yoko Ono?!