If you're returning home from college right now, you doubtlessly find yourself in a rather disheartening situation: likely too old and far removed from high school to attend any legendary high school house party keggers, you're also too young to legally gain entrance to any of the bars in your town. Yet, the world at large can't possibly expect you to slow down your breakliver drinking pace, can they? Fortunately there's a solution, and like all good solutions, it's illegal.

During the past year I, aside from the occasional responsibilities as a "full time university student," spent my working hours as a bartender at a nearby college bar. A "college bar" is a very interesting entity in that it is, by definition, catering exclusively to a demographic in which ¾ of members are ineligible to drink. Yet, these bars still seem to perpetuate and grow, all thanks to the wonders of the fake ID. From my post behind the bar, I've been exposed to a creative assortment of forgeries and felonies as intrepid gals battle their way past the bouncers, and every one of them could possibly work for you.

The Chalked ID. The "gateway fake," this process rarely, if ever, actually involves chalk. Instead, the "'chalking' of an ID is performed by etching a canyon of colored pencil into the birthdate of one's ID – occasionally in a color that matches those actually appearing on the license at hand – and drawing in an older, legal birthdate. This method is particularly successful if the identification inspector happens to be pink / teal colorblind and has no sense of touch.

The Computer – Generated Fake. These computer-created fakes can usually be found on medium that feels little to nothing like the license being imitated, except for Wyoming, whose laminated construction-paper-and-crayon license has been reproduced flawlessly on a number of occasions. Though each new fake is personalized with your own picture, the well-traveled templates used in their creation are responsible for a phenomenon called "Jersification," in which every single person in an Oregon college bar is amazingly from New Jersey, perhaps even from the same town and street address.

The Borrowed License. The most successful charade is doubtlessly securing the license of someone who shares a similar trait with you and passing that ID off as your own. Having brown eyes myself, I have had a surprising amount of luck employing Shakira's license at local bars and gas stations. Similarly, it is no coincidence that at most college bars you will meet bafflingly youthful 35-year olds, many of whom boast accessories such as braces and / or pigtails – all of which have been acquired since the photo was taken in 1969.

Of course, all of these methods would significantly more daunting were it not for the tendency of bouncers' eyesight to fluctuate drastically in power. One moment, their keen vision might detect even the slightest forgery in the ID of a young male. Then, just seconds later as a scantily clad young lass approaches, the bouncers' eyesight spikes into absolute blindness, leaving their arms flailing about the air in a vain search for the gal's ID. Yet, in further defiance of all optometrical law, their vision will instantly return to top form just in time to intercept the New Jersey licenses being presented by nineteen gentlemen in line. It's a remarkable spectacle to observe, and now that you've got your pencil-engraved license in-hand, maybe you'll be able to see it yourself.

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