-Return all 37 spoons to dining hall.

-Limit IM time from 10 hours to nine hours. Use extra hour to play Snood.

-Create newest Napster clone instead of turning in CompSci homework.

-Remind all my friends going abroad that Europe is only romantic if you don't have to live there for more than three months.

-Have a relationship that lasts at least three days. Try not to have two of them at a time.

-Take down poster of Animal House wearing that "college" shirt. Put up poster of that ten-year-old Maxell ad where the guy's cheeks look cool.

-Stop overdrafting ATM account. Ask parents to put more money in it to help.

-Hack dining dollars swipe stripe on my ID card.

-Get a pair of pants that aren't black. Preferably that match new tube top.

-Celebrate all of my religion's holidays. Preferably the ones where you drink. Maybe other religions too.

-Set my roommates alarm clock ten minutes fast so he's only five minutes late to class.

-Get extra firm mattress so bed is less comfortable and I don't oversleep. Learn to get comfortable on extra firm mattress.

-Make a date for Valentine's Day. Off-line.

-Call one high school friend every week. Breathe heavily and hang up when they answer the phone.

-Learn new bouncer's name so you can drop it to the next bouncer when the new bouncer gets canned in two weeks.

-Keep up with all my assignments by threatening to beat up mousy looking kid if he stops doing my homework halfway through the semester.

-Think of words to replace "tool" and "sketchy"

-Stop listening to the same three CDs on repeat. Get a fourth.

-Finally learn all of the IM shortcuts for those yellow faces.

-Stop putting things off. Think up better excuses.

-Introduce yourself to page 7, 4th column, 3rd from the right in the facebook.

-Duct tape front-row-seat-girl's hand down.

-Don't go more than a month and a half without doing laundry.

-Study one chapter of each subject each week. Petition Webster to swap the definitions for "study" and "ignore."

-Drink. Heavily. (I always like to make one attainable resolution)

Like this column? Then buy the book!