Thinking about taking some Improv classes? Cool! Get ready to meet these 10 new friends:
Guy: "OOOOHHHHHH GURRRRLLL welcome to the DMV, my name is Shaniqua HAAAAYYYYY how can I help you?"
You: "Uh, hello... Shaniqua. Since you're my cousin, I was wondering if you could hook me up with a job here?"
Guy: "Say WHAAAATTT??? DAYUMMNNN you ain't my cousin" [snaps a bunch of times while moving head back and forth]
You: "I'm NOT coming to your stupid concert, Dad, and that's final!"
Guy: "Dad? That's a funny thing to call your Priest. Anyway, come into my van, little child, I have a special surprise for you..."
You: [Trying not to groan] "Yes...but we've been over this, I'm not coming to your...priest van, or whatever."
Guy: "Well then at least come with me on my secret one-on-one Boy Scouts retreat where we go off into the woods together, WINKKKKK. That's right, I am also a Boy Scout counselor."
You: [Trying really really hard not to groan] "As I told you, I'm not going on your one-on-one Boy Scouts retreat. I'm out of here." [Mimes grabbing door]
Guy: "Then why are you grabbing my PENIS? That's right, that's my penis - it wraps around all the way to there, where your hand is, and that is what you're grabbing. We're having sex now."
You: [9 hour groan]
Guy: "I'm gonna need a word from the crowd to get started?"
Guy: "I heard 'pineapple.'" [Steps out for monologue] "So this one time back in 2011, I'm fucking this prostitute up the ass, all the sudden, the Molly kicks in, and somehow my dick gets limp AS I'm ejaculating, and this shit fuckin' goes EVERYWHERE. Holy fuck, that sucked major ass."
[Steps Back. Silence. You attempt to start a scene]
You: "Hey Nick, I FINALLY scored that ecstasy we've been talking about trying!"
Guy: "Yeah, give it here! Oh yeahhh, now I'm fucking a prostitute up the ass OHH NOOOO my dick's going limppppp!!! This is worse than that time my dad said he never wanted to speak to me again after I got the DUI when I ran over our neighbor's dog back in my hometown of Buffalo New York back in 2006!"
You: "So, honey, looks like everything's ready to go for our big dinner party."
Girl: "Dinnnuh party! Sidney, are you MESHUGANAH??? It's shabbat, we've gotta go to Temple! The Lowensteins are expecting us to bring the hamentaschen!"
You: "Yes. They are. How silly of me."
Girl: "Also, whyyyyuhhh can't our daughtuhh marry a nice Jewish boy who is a lawyah or doctah instead of messing around with these dumb 'improv' classes?"
You: "Yes, that is clearly an issue for her. In this scene."
Dude: "HEY MAN, WHAT THE FUCK'S YOUR FUCKIN' PROBLEM???" [Pushes you]
Dude: "DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME TO FUCKING CALM THE FUCK DOWN YOU FUCKIN' FUCKFUCK!" [Overturns three actual chairs and a table]
You: "Yes, and...I am going to go hide in my 'spaceship', because we are astronauts" [Leaves scene, room, building, borough. Goes home and locks doors then checks lock twice]
You: "I don't know if they'll let us into this party, bro, we definitely weren't invited."
Guy: "Yeah, it's a pretty exclusive club. Which reminds me...New York's hottest club is [wolf whistle noise]. This club has everything -- a shake for breakfast, another one for lunch, and a sensible dinner..." [Covers face with hands]
You: "Why, yes it does, Stefon...ie. Stefonie. You are quite a unique character, friend of mine who is named Stefonie."
Guy: "ALLLLL RIGHHHHTTT... GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO!" [Thumbs up] "NIYYYCE!"
You: "Yeah, so anyway let's go into the bar..."
Guy: "I agree, also I'm kiiiiiind of a big deal. At this bar. MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE. Is what I would say to you if you order milk at this bar. Anchorman."
Girl: "I saw the House Team perform the other night and I gotta say, they were really, really bad. THAT'S all you have to do to be an improv teacher? God - terrible. We walked out at the intermission."
You: "Really? I've seen them before and thought they were really great, and they've been together for four years and know each other really well, maybe they just had an off night?"
Girl: "They're even worse than that shitty team we all went to see last week."
You: "You mean our teacher's group?"
Girl: "Also fuck Breaking Bad."
You: "Yarr, captain, a storm's a-brewin.'"
Guy: "This cursed sea." [Walks out to center stage. Sighs.] "I haven't seen my family in over two years. My daughter... my sweet, gentle daughter... you know what said to me the last time I was at home? [Mimes smoking] She said... [choking up] she said 'You're a very nice man, mister.' MISTER. Like I'm some random candy merchant down the block who she waves to on a noonday market trip. I'm her FATHER, dammit. HER FLESH AND BLOOD. And this cursed life at sea has turned me into a stranger in my own home. NEPTUNE hath RIPPED my daughter from my own arms. Ripped by SOUL straight through my ribs. AND FOR WHAT? For the glory of 'Her Majesty's Navy'? For the 'honor' of serving at sea with 'dinstinction'? PEH. Words. I'VE TRADED MY DAUGHTER FOR EMPTY WORDS." [Breaks Down Crying]
Girl: "Can't believe it's the last day of Summer Camp. I hope we stay in touch!"
Guy: "Some of us are actually gonna go check out another improv show after this then head to the bars, you should totally come."
Girl: "I'd love to but I can't, my mom is coming to pick me up from Summer Camp, where we are right now, any minute now!"
Guy: "Nah that's cool - gimme your number and I'll text you where we end up. We'll be out late, feel free to swing by, there'll be a bunch of improv people there, and the bar's really chill."
Girl: "I'm also planning to meet up with my boyfriend of three years right after I get back from Summer Camp."
Guy: "Cool, yeah, so what's your number?"
Guy: "Improv isn't just about 'laughs', it's about being present, and being in the moment, and reacting without thinking -- it's so much more honest and organic than the 'overthink everything', super self-aware interactions we always force ourselves to have with each other, y'know? I just think as people we should live our lives more honestly, like an improv scene, and just be natural instead of always overthinking everything all the time.
You: "You are literally NINETEEN years old."
Guy: "Anyway, back to my thoughts about the human condition..."
(Special thanks to Mike Still and Will Stephen for their improv-class feedback, and particularly to Will for letting me use his literal photo and life story for #3)(Pics via Shutterstock)