5 Fast Ways to Lose a Literal Ton of Weight Right Now Before Summer Technically Officially Ends

It's fall, ladies, so you're late losing all the weight you were supposed to lose from your Preseason Pounds Purge this spring. Time is tight but, your thighs can be too with these slick steps for ridiculously rapid body reduction in the nick of time to tag yourself in the background of at least one hottie's beach pic before summer ends. Here's the new definition of quick and dirty to get you flirty.

Cholera:

Ever wish you could just swallow a little pill with a glass of water and the pounds would melt right off? Well in this case, skip the pill. The water from your nearest, brownest stream will do the trick quick. This is the real Brazilian blowout, ladies. Kiss goodbye to every last drop of excess and essential fluid in your body, which will shrink faster than you can say Spring-Break-Port-au-Prince. You might miss a shore weekend or three in the hospital, but time will deliriously fly before you're as svelte as those tiny babes you saw lounging in clear plastic boxes there. 

Amputation:

Literally lose half of your thighs in just one day. A quick six hour sesh with your local McDreamy and all your flab, cellulite and femurs are gone for good. One and done and into the sun - with plenty of SPF on the stump! If you've got an extra forty eight hours before that Shore trip, replace the leg with a size two prosthetic of any color skin you want. But don't rush the choice too much, since a Naomi Watts left could easily outshine your Adele right. Bonus timesaver, ladies: you don't have to shave carbon fiber.

Leeches:

Not every juice cleanse can torch thirty pounds of summer toxins in two weeks so skip the bathroom line and just eliminate the blood chub. The morning before you hit the beach, sit back and slap on a few worms. In a few short hours you'll see those carbs get vacuumed straight out of your pores. Instant detox! You won't waste any time with cleanup, just need seven rolls of paper towels and of course your fave bikini in any color but white. 

Crying:

Only need to blast that last five pounds? Log in and scroll through your ex's honeymoon album. Repeat this exercise three times a day in reps of seven for two days and you'll shed that saltwater weight at click-speed.

Tar cleanse:

Replace all regular food with white tobacco burritos. You can't waste time cooking, preparing or eating food in a crunch like this. Explosive coughing will remove all that gooey lung fat without putting in any extra hours at the gym, giving you that rib-cagey look and sunken feel. Timesaving tip: snacking directly on the ciggies will drop a quick vom-bomb on you after gorging at that last minute beach BBQ.