This Sunday, the Emmys will celebrate the best in television acting and writing. Today, let's celebrate the worst. These six characters--though not necessarily the actors who play them--are the absolute worst that the past season of TV had to offer.
From the dizzying highs of seasons 1 and 4 to the despairing lows of literally every other season, Dexter fans have been on a real rollercoaster ride over the years (If rollercoasters were designed as poorly as Dexter, that is). One satisfyingly inept constant has been Dexter's sister, Deb, whose character range exists entirely between "furious" and "more furious than before". The writers have tried everything short of actual nuance, introducing love interests in Quinn (aka. The Most Boring Man Alive), Her Murderer Brother's Brother, and even Her Actual Murderer Brother, you know, to really spice things up.
Ugh, seriously, who even cares if Brody is a terrorist at this point? It sure as hell doesn't make his awfuldull wife and kids any more interesting, or him killing the Vice President of the United States with a remote-controlled pacemaker any less stupid. If he'd been killed one of the countless times it seemed certain, Homeland would be a way better show by now. Brody's survival only means we have to deal with this bland crap for another few years, looking back at season one and sighing sadly for what could have been.
Ted Mosby is a boring self-important sex maniac who nowhere near deserves the cool friends he has or the interesting, densely-plotted life he leads. People who think Ted Mosby isn't a jerk are probably the same people who can't wait for the goddamn ninth season of this shit, which, by the way, is going to unfold pretty much in real-time. It's going to be so boring, you guys. But you'll watch it, we all will. Because we're idiots.
Watching Anger Management is a constant stream of "Ugh Charlie Sheen what are you doinggg" and "Ugh Selma Blair what are you doing?" Kate Wales isn't so much a character as she is a vaguely feminine mannequin for Charlie Sheen to make sex puns at. Rumors of her being recast for the new season are disappointing for fans of Selma Blair gettin paiiiid, but good news for fans of Selma Blair who like to see her in good things. Also who knows? Maybe they'll use an actual mannequin this time. I promise I would watch that, FX.
There are two possible answers to the question "who's your favorite New Girl character?": either "All of them!" or "Not Winston". It must be hard to carve out a beloved character when there's only so many Tumblr .gifs that can be made in one day, and 90% of those are already reserved for Schmidt and Nick. There might be hope yet, Season 3's first episode was Winston's best and most disturbing episode by far. Sometimes all it takes to turn things around is a slow descent into terrifying insanity. Believe in yourselves, kids.
If House Of Cards is Shakespearean, then Zoe Barnes is the inept understudy who was told "it's morally ambiguous and stuff!" and then shoved onto the stage without warning. Zoe lives a double life, y'see, sometimes a renowned reporter for a major newspaper who is good at her job, other times as a renowned reporter for a major newspaper who is BAD at her job. WRITING.