The Complete Guide to the Craft Beer at Your Local Bar

 

Angry Goatface Hopfuck IPA

Sick of all these weak-ass beers with barely any hop flavor? So are we! That's why the brewers at Angry Goatface made this seriously hoppy IPA - the Hopfuck. It'll fuck your face with hops. Take a sip -- it's like someone pulling your tongue out of your mouth with a pair of rusty pliers. 90% of you will hate this beer, but 10% of you will love it more than anything else and never shut up about it. That's our promise to you.

 

Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic

The sweet taste of fruit, the sugary smack of berries, the saccharine flavor of rasp. These are just some of the flavors you'll experience with one sip of Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic. Fruit forward with undertones of more fruit, this beer will set you on an adventure through flavors ranging from "syrupy" to "cloying". "Is this even a beer?" you'll ask. You tell us!

 

Steel Cabin "Not Bud" Lager

Are you confused by this menu and looking for a boring, shitty beer? Try Steel Cabin "Not Bud" Lager. A truly uninspired lager that tastes suspiciously like Budweiser (but is NOT Budweiser), this beer will please both craft beer fans, who will fool themselves into thinking this is better than Bud, and craft beer neophytes, who just want something familiar, like a Bud. But it's not a Bud. It's "Not Bud."   $8.00.

 

Maverick "Hoppier Than Hopfuck" Imperial IPA

Angry Goatface wants you to believe that Hopfuck is the hoppiest IPA on the market. Well it fucking isn't. Fuck them for saying it, and fuck you for believing it. Maverick "Hoppier Than Hopfuck" Imperial IPA is specifically crafted to put those lying sons of bitches in their place and show you what a hoppy beer is supposed to be like. This beer is like an evil genie. You wished for hops and then, BOOM, more hops than you could have ever wanted. You drink it and everything you touch turns to hops. Even your daughter, whom you love more than anything else in the world. And then you're like "Oh, no, this isn't what I wanted! You twisted my wish against me!" And then we'll laugh in your stupid fucking face. Fuck you and Fuck Angry Goatface.

The Complete Guide to the Craft Beer at Your Local Bar

Tin Gorilla Mocha Pumpernickel Molasses Stout

Take a sip. Now you know what "brown" tastes like.



Barton Bros Something Weird Like Oh I Don't Know Fish Heads Ale

We here at Barton Brothers, heh, well, we're a pretty crazy bunch. We don't believe in "rules" and "standards" and "not getting attention." That's why we made this beer that's part of a long line of weird-ass beers. All of our weird-ass beers have something weird in it. What's this one? Fish heads? Sure, okay, we put fish heads in it. Fish head ale. Because why not? Don't drink it if you don't want to. Be a boring, closed-minded conformist. We don't care. We're just gonna keep doing our thing like the revolutionary free-spirits we are.

 

Angry Goatface "Fuck You Maverick" Handful of Hops in a Bottle

I KNOW Maverick Brewers didn't just try to start something with us. Are you kidding me with this Hoppier than Hopfuck bullshit? You seriously think you can compete with us? You might as well be some flannel-clad bearded asshole with a homebrew kit he got for Christmas. Fucking amateurs. Here. Here's just a bunch of hops in a bottle. And that bottle? It's made of hops. That's right, It's not even beer. Just a big handful of hops. We are the hop kings! WE ARE HOP GODS!

 

Granite Face Pumptoberfest Winter Spice Blackberry Sprummer Wheat Seasonal Ale

Ah, the march of time! The leaves are doing something (or maybe not) as we start to leave last season and enter this particular season. Now is the perfect time for Granite Face's Pumptoberfest Winter Spice Blackberry Sprummer Wheat Seasonal Ale. With weather like the weather is being, you're sure to feel refreshed (or warmed, possibly) by our expertly crafted seasonal ale that is the best ale to drink in whatever season it happens to be right now.

 

The Complete Guide to the Craft Beer at Your Local Bar

Spotted Frog Crazy High Alcohol Barleywine

Are you making your decision based solely on what will get you the most drunk for the least amount of money? Why not try this one? Our Crazy High Alcohol Barleywine is not very good, but it has the highest ABV on this list (which is probably the first thing you noticed anyway). Now that's alcohol you can believe in!

 

Schrumpf Banana and Coriander Belgian Tripel

Schrumpf's specializes in traditional abbey beers, like this Belgian ale. Our Banana and Coriander Tripel has notes of Banana and Coriander, but in a completely different and much better way from every other Belgian ale.

 

Maverick Oh No We've Gone Too Far What Have We Done Continuously Hopped Disaster

Please, if you're reading this, please send help. Something... something has gone terribly wrong. We tried to make something so hoppy it was hoppier than even a pile of hops. But we made something terrible. Something that's more monster than hops. We never meant for it to end like this. Blood. Blood and hops, everywhere. May God have mercy on us all.

 

Twin Forks Obligatory Red Ale

This is just a well-made, balanced red ale. You probably won't order it because there's nothing particularly unusual about it. Pretty tasty, though.

 


Stock photos from Shutterstock