Good morning, country, I'll be your substitute government today, my name is Mr. Kochschitz. I know, I know, ha ha ha, let's just have one big laugh at my name then we can all move on.
Whatever you say, Mister Cockshits!
Alright, great, glad we got that out of the way. As you know, your regular government isn't here today, and might be out for a while, but I'm gonna pick things up right where you left off and we won't miss a beat. Real quick, when I call your name, please say "here." Ok... "Alabama?"
...Ok. Uh, "Al... Al sacka?" Am I saying that right?
Yeah, El Sacka's here! AY CARUMBA, MY MOM NAMED ME AFTER A SCROTUM!
Look, if you people all just want to screw around, FINE, but don't think your regular government isn't gonna hear about it.
Yo Mister Whatever, I'm going to the bathroom. [Leaves]
FINE, enough of that, let's just move on. So...where did you guys leave off last session? My notes say you were about to vote on, um, "Raising The Debt Ceiling"? Is that right?
We were watching a movie.
Really? I have nothing in my notes about watching a movie...?
Yeah, we just started a DVD. We were supposed to watch it for the next couple classes.
Hm. Do you know where the government left the DVD?
Mr. Kochschitz, we weren't watching a movie.
Shut UP, Delaware!
COME ON, DELAWARE.
What? We weren't!
Lay off Delaware, you guys, I know you weren't actually watching a movie. Oh, but it does say here, you also had some Federal Taxes due today?
It says right here that you were supposed to turn in some taxes today. Do you not have those done?
Uh, our government never mentioned anything about that to us.
Are you sure? Delaware, is that true?
Uhhh... [States stare at Delaware] Um, I uh, don't know. [Subtlely slips super-organized folder back into backpack]
Fine! You want to be like that, go ahead, it doesn't affect me. Have fun explaining that to your regular government when they get back, I'll be long gone!
Where were you two?
We were at [snickering] Chess Club.
Yeah, Chess Club. [snickering]
Guys, I KNOW what that smell is, I'm not stupid. You think it's funny to show up to class late and on drugs?
No it's cool, we're totally allowed!
Yeah we're totally allowed, I swear.
Oh yeah right, your government "lets" you do that, yeah, sure. And I'm Justin Bieber.
I'm allowed to bring guns into churches.
Alright, look -- do you guys want to just keep screwing around? I'm trying my best here, but you have to meet me halfway. If you want, I can just stand here and lecture to you from the Constitution for forty minutes and give you all a pop quiz and tell your regular government that you all failed, would you prefer that? How does THAT sound?
Hey Mister K, are those fly fishing lures on your bag? You fly fish?
...Why yes, yes I do! I'm actually a very avid fly fisherman. Are you guys into that?
If you want, I coooould talk to you about fly fishing for a while, if you promise not to tell your government, haha. See? I'm not TOTALLY uncool, I'm actually just a guy, and I can goof off from time to time too! Ok, twenty minute rap session, but then we get RIGHT to work after that, ok? Yes, question?
When you're fly fishing, do you use a "blumpkin"?
THAT'S IT. Get out a pen and paper. Everyone, right now, pen and paper. Pop quiz. Seriously, right now, pen and paper. I'm not messing around.
That was a warning. Got it? Do NOT make me have to, you know, do stuff for real. Cause I will.
Sorry Mister Cockshits.
........ Ok. So, let's get started...where are my notessssss..... ah, ok, yes, here we go. [Clears Throat] The American government is divided into three groups, or "branches." The Legislative Branch, The Executive Branch, and the Judicial Branch. Everybody following along so far?