The Governments Substitute Teacher


  1. Teacher

    Good morning, country, I'll be your substitute government today, my name is Mr. Kochschitz. I know, I know, ha ha ha, let's just have one big laugh at my name then we can all move on.

  2. California

    Whatever you say, Mister Cockshits!

  3. [States Laugh]
  4. Teacher

    Alright, great, glad we got that out of the way. As you know, your regular government isn't here today, and might be out for a while, but I'm gonna pick things up right where you left off and we won't miss a beat. Real quick, when I call your name, please say "here." Ok... "Alabama?"

  5. New York


  6. [New York and New Jersey laugh at each other]
  7. Teacher

    ...Ok. Uh, "Al... Al sacka?" Am I saying that right?

  8. Alaska

    [Embarrassed] Here.

  9. California


  10. [States Laugh]
  11. Teacher

    Look, if you people all just want to screw around, FINE, but don't think your regular government isn't gonna hear about it.

  12. Florida

    Yo Mister Whatever, I'm going to the bathroom. [Leaves]

  13. Teacher

    FINE, enough of that, let's just move on. So...where did you guys leave off last session? My notes say you were about to vote on, um, "Raising The Debt Ceiling"? Is that right?

  14. New York

    We were watching a movie.

  15. New Jersey


  16. Teacher

    Really? I have nothing in my notes about watching a movie...?

  17. New York

    Yeah, we just started a DVD. We were supposed to watch it for the next couple classes.

  18. Teacher

    Hm. Do you know where the government left the DVD?

  19. Delaware

    Mr. Kochschitz, we weren't watching a movie.

  20. New Jersey

    Shut UP, Delaware!

  21. New York


  22. Delaware

    What? We weren't!

  23. Teacher

    Lay off Delaware, you guys, I know you weren't actually watching a movie. Oh, but it does say here, you also had some Federal Taxes due today?

  24. [States are silent]
  25. Teacher

    It says right here that you were supposed to turn in some taxes today. Do you not have those done?

  26. California

    Uh, our government never mentioned anything about that to us.

  27. Teacher

    Are you sure? Delaware, is that true?

  28. Delaware

    Uhhh... [States stare at Delaware] Um, I uh, don't know. [Subtlely slips super-organized folder back into backpack]

  29. Teacher

    Fine! You want to be like that, go ahead, it doesn't affect me. Have fun explaining that to your regular government when they get back, I'll be long gone!

  30. [Colorado and Washington roll in late]
  31. Teacher

    Where were you two?

  32. Washington

    We were at [snickering] Chess Club.

  33. Colorado

    Yeah, Chess Club. [snickering]

  34. Teacher

    Guys, I KNOW what that smell is, I'm not stupid. You think it's funny to show up to class late and on drugs?

  35. Washington

    No it's cool, we're totally allowed!

  36. Colorado

    Yeah we're totally allowed, I swear.

  37. Teacher

    Oh yeah right, your government "lets" you do that, yeah, sure. And I'm Justin Bieber.

  38. Arkansas

    I'm allowed to bring guns into churches.

  39. Teacher

    Alright, look -- do you guys want to just keep screwing around? I'm trying my best here, but you have to meet me halfway. If you want, I can just stand here and lecture to you from the Constitution for forty minutes and give you all a pop quiz and tell your regular government that you all failed, would you prefer that? How does THAT sound?

  40. [States are silent]
  41. Texas

    Hey Mister K, are those fly fishing lures on your bag? You fly fish?

  42. Teacher

    ...Why yes, yes I do! I'm actually a very avid fly fisherman. Are you guys into that?

  43. [States are silent. Georgia shrugs.]
  44. Teacher

    If you want, I coooould talk to you about fly fishing for a while, if you promise not to tell your government, haha. See? I'm not TOTALLY uncool, I'm actually just a guy, and I can goof off from time to time too! Ok, twenty minute rap session, but then we get RIGHT to work after that, ok? Yes, question?

  45. California

    When you're fly fishing, do you use a "blumpkin"?

  46. [States snicker]
  47. Teacher

    THAT'S IT. Get out a pen and paper. Everyone, right now, pen and paper. Pop quiz. Seriously, right now, pen and paper. I'm not messing around.

  48. [States are silent]
  49. Teacher

    That was a warning. Got it? Do NOT make me have to, you know, do stuff for real. Cause I will.

  50. New York

    Sorry Mister Cockshits.

  51. Teacher

    ........ Ok. So, let's get started...where are my notessssss..... ah, ok, yes, here we go. [Clears Throat] The American government is divided into three groups, or "branches." The Legislative Branch, The Executive Branch, and the Judicial Branch. Everybody following along so far?

  52. [Everyone Groans]