In honor of everybody's favorite celebration of Ireland's systematic ethnic cleansing, St. Patrick's Day, I have compiled a special little list for you all to enjoy as you drink your beer flavored food coloring this coming 17th.

You're not Irish:

1. Just because you bought one of those "family name history" plaques at the mall.

2. Just because you have the crest of an Irish county that no one from your family has been from in 5 generations tattoed on your body.

3. Just because you saw the Boondock Saints and your only knowledge of Irish culture is as ridiculous as you look in that peacoat you bought immediately after watching it.

4. Just because you like the Dropkick Murphys.

5. Speaking of, they are a terrible band.

6. Yes, they are.

7. If you have any Italian blood in you whatsoever. This is undebateable.

8. If your grandparents are from Irish urban neighborhoods. Boston Irish and Harlem Irish are worlds away from Real Irish.

9. If your family dropped the O'.

11. If you rant about your knowledge of Ireland's pagan culture…

12. …and your knowledge thereof consists of Samhain lyrics. Then you're not Irish, just really, really dumb.

13. If you are actually convinced that your liver is on your side.

14. If you can't get naked and easily be camouflaged in Antarctica.

15. If you didn't grow up learning that God has approximately 4,930 secretaries.

16. If you can't admit that English Oi! is awesome.

17. If you're not from fucking Ireland.

Well, that's seventeen points for the seventeenth of March. I myself have come to terms with the fact that I'm not actually Irish. I know, I know, it's hard for me to admit, just like it's hard for a lot of other young people who embrace St. Patty's Day to admit. I think the realization came to me when, one day, I took a look around and noticed that I was apparently NOT FROM IRELAND.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to see people being enthusiastic about their cultural heritage, but it seems to me that Irish descendants focus on horrible things. For some reason, at a lot of parties I've been to, I'll see some tan-skinned Gotti twin in a pink shirt bragging about how he can hold his liquor because he's like 25% Irish and inherited the alcoholic part of the family.
a). He's probably lying and
b). Hey now, there's an example of national pride for the posters! Funny how I never hear people of Indian descent saying things like "Oh, yo, I really can go for so long without eating, because you see I'm 25% Calcuttan and I inherited the starving part of the family."

But hey, whatever, it's not like alcoholism is a deleterious disease or anything.

So I dunno about you, but right here is one mostly-but-not-quite-all Irish cat who might just refrain from the drinking on the Big Day. In fact, in protest, I'm not going to eat the traditional and cliche pulled beef and cabbage for dinner that night.

Instead, perhaps I'll go wild with a little Penne Vodka with some Segovia playing on the stereo.

and yes, the vodka for the penne will be green.